


Tears She Shed

by ShipersAnonymous



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, F/M, Iris West Loves Barry Allen, Married Barry Allen/Iris West, West-Allen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-24 20:47:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 40,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20712293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShipersAnonymous/pseuds/ShipersAnonymous
Summary: Dark. Heartbreaking. Tear inducing.A story that shows us a Barry we're not used to seeing.The day Iris said  "I do" she made a promise to love and cherish him forever, a promise that now weighs heavily on her beat down shoulders. She knew he wasn't the same, she'd senced it before she stepped foot down the aisle but she loved him and love conquers all.Or does it?What will she be willing to give to keep the love of her life?Is she strong enough to let go and find her happiness?What choice will she make when trapped between her heart and her freedom?How many more tears will she shed?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WeAreTheFlash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeAreTheFlash/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Her Worst Nightmare](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18082793) by [dysfunctional_scribe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dysfunctional_scribe/pseuds/dysfunctional_scribe). 

> A little darker.  
A little angstier.  
A little more gruesome.  
A little more painful.
> 
> This fic is inspired by the WA fic "Her Worst Nightmare" by dysfunctional_scribe . It is on AO3 so if you haven't checked it out yet I highly recommend it, though please be warned it's not for the faint of heart. 
> 
> I'll be straight up honest with you. I usually like to write dark (don't ask me why) but this is a little hard for me. Having to depict Barry in such a negative light is a nightmare and having to tap into Iris's emotions to be able to describe them in a way that (hopefully) makes you feel it too is downright heartbreaking.
> 
> But I wouldn't trade it for anything. As emotionally scarring as the experience might be its an opportunity for growth and I beg of you, please, give me your honest opinion.
> 
> I wanted to post the first chapter for your perusal and depending on your response to it (whether you like it or not / want me to carry on or not) I'll develop the story line and start publishing more consistently once I have enough content. 
> 
> Please bare in mind that this is just a trial. Just testing the waters, so for now it's just a short one shot. 
> 
> I want to dedicate this fic to my dearest friend who sent me the fic that inspired me and pushed me to develop a story of my own.  
If I'm being completely honest if I'm writing fan fics at all you have her to thank cause she was one of the few people that pulled me in this direction and has been by my side ever since so thank you babe 💜 I owe you the world. ❤️🙏🏾
> 
> OK ok. I'll stop with the cheese 😭  
Can't wait to hear your thoughts💜
> 
> XOXO
> 
> \- A. J.

His rhythmic drumming on the steering wheel pounds through her brain, the fear heightening all her senses. She knew that leaving without him was a mistake but she couldn't keep her boss waiting any longer. Now she has to deal with the consequences. It takes all she has not to flinch as his thumbs hit the wheel at an aggressive pace almost like a foreshadowing of what awaits her at home.

"Home". The word feels foreign. She hasn't felt at home in a long time. Not at the loft, not in their bed, not in his arms. Especially not in his arms. Those arms that at first enveloped her and swept her off her feet into a dream. That saved her time and time again and kept the monsters at bay. Now he is the monster and out of all the nightmares she's faced and could have possibly pictured herself facing, this has never been one of them. It's by far the worst. They pull into the parking lot and she feels her heart sink to her stomach. The drive wasn't long enough, she's still not ready. He takes a deep breath beside her and her eyes begin to well up before he lays a single finger on her. She wants to apologize, to explain that she couldn't wait for him any longer, that to keep Scott waiting for another hour would have been unprofessional but she knows better. She knows that saying anything before he speaks will only make matters worse. So she sits silent and unmoving. Her throat grows scratchy from the effort of holding back tears. Maybe if she behaves this time, if she pretends like she isn't even there he will let her be. As if hearing her thoughts, he opens the door and gets out, slamming it in his wake. 

She allows herself a moment to breathe but does not, for a single second, fall prey to the illusion that she has been spared. His footsteps grow faint and she waits for a second longer before going after him. As soon as she shuts the door the car alarm activates. He's watching her. She swallows the lump in her throat and hurries towards the elevator. She finds the doors closing and he makes no effort to hold them open. He's drawing out her torture, letting the fear sink in so she'll be too overwhelmed to fight back. It's working.

By the time she reaches the loft her heart is beating so furiously that she's afraid it might stop altogether. Her hand trembles as she opens the door and takes a shaky step inside. She finds him seated on the couch, his back facing her and a glass of whiskey resting in his hand. He knows that he can't get drunk but he tries anyway. 

"Babe?" His voice is calm and she shivers. He didn't say her name. He never says her name before he...

It's his way of hurting what his hands can't touch. He's striping her of her name, of her identity, dehumanizing her with cuddly pet names that contrast shockingly with his actions. 

"Ye-yes honey?" She calls back trying to keep the shake out of her voice and not bothering to take a step closer. 

"Do you still love me?" He asks but his voice lacks any longing or emotion. 

"Of course I do baby. I'll always love you." 

He falls silent. The sound of his glass hitting the wall punctures the tension in the room and before she has time to blink he's standing in front of her. He grabs a chunk of her hair and yanks it back. She lets out a cry of pain, reaching for her head and feeling the muscles in her neck tense up with discomfort. 

"Don't lie to me, " he spits out.

"I'm not, baby. I promise. I love you, " she pleads and he gives her hair a forceful tug. 

"Don't lie to me!" He screams out this time and she flinches. He grabs hold of her jaw with his free hand and squeezes.

"If you loved me you wouldn't make me look bad in front of other people." He tells her, with a soft voice that drips in anger and wild eyes to match. He let's go of her abruptly, and she rubs her aching jaw. 

"Baby I'm, I'm sorry. I just couldn't let him wait any longer, he-he's my boss and was kind enough to take us out to dinner. I was just..." 

He shuts her up with a slap to the face that leaves her disoriented and she falls to her knees. A kick to the side follows and she flattens out on the floor holding her bruised but thankfully not broken ribs. He straddles her, crushing her stomach with his weight, and she's reminded yet again how much smaller she is in comparison to him. How powerless and insignificant her existence is. These are emotions he used to nurse her out of, whenever she stood by his side (the old him) she felt invincible, she stood tall with him. Now they're wounds that he inflicts continuously. Each encounter taking a little piece of her bravery away, diminishing her shine, turning her into a living corpse. Cold and lifeless. His large hands close around her throat. 

"US out to dinner? He didn't take US out to dinner. He took YOU out to dinner." He says in a strained voice as each delusional sentence makes him squeeze tighter and tighter. She has no option but to stare up at his animal-like eyes. Rage screams at her from them, a dark and empty emotion, that lets her know for sure...The Barry she knows and loves isn't there. Her eyes burn with tears that she refuses to shed, the only act of defiance she can muster at the moment. She claws at his hands desperately but he doesn't seem to notice. Instead, he tightens his grip around her neck and lifts her head only to bang it back down on to the floor. That knocks what little breath she has left out of her and her vision blurs with the sudden impact but she can't scream out her pain. You need air to scream and she currently has none. The grip around her throat eases with the dislodging of one of his hands, allowing her to take minuscule breaths, but she has no time to appreciate the insignificant relief before her drowsy mind begins to fear what he might do with his newly freed weapon. She doesn't have to wonder long. 

One blow, two blows, three blows, delivered one after the other. Before long, her burning right eye begins to swell, one of the many reminders she'll have to deal with in the morning. On the fourth blow she feels her skin sting as it rips, he's drawn blood. For an argument this minor he doesn't usually go any further than a little bloodshed, he's made his point there's no need to press on. As always his control strikes her as odd. For a man with his superhuman abilities, it would be easy to just lose it and kill her, she would have actually preferred it that way. Yet he somehow manages to contain himself making his abuse all the more deliberate and heartbreaking. 

His grip around her neck tightens once more and he brings her ear up to his lips.

"He can't take you away from me, honey. You're mine." He whispers before slamming her head on the floor once again. This time, it's lights out.

She floats back into consciousness a while later. Her head is hazy and her vision is partially impaired. She's trying to piece together her fragmented thoughts but before her mind completely clears her senses come back to life and that's when she feels it. The pain. 

Prior events come back to haunt her but not as memories, instead, they make themselves known through physical aches. She tries to move and the sound of water echoes through the room.

"Shhh, Iris. Don't move." He whispers, his voice floating towards her from a distance. He called her Iris, he's back. She blinks, her swollen eye burning with the action, and tries to bring her coherence up to 100%. She manages a disappointing 50%. That's just enough for her to realise that she's in their bathroom, in a tub of warm water, with an ice pack pressed against her right eye. He'd done it again. Hit her. Scott, her boss, had invited them both out to dinner during the annual CCPN fundraiser and she'd gone without her husband because he was late. That earned her a pummeling.

"Are you alright? Does something hurt?" He asks concerned. He seems to be back to his old self but Iris knows better. That darkness is just lying asleep somewhere inside him, waiting to take over after the smallest of challenges. She doesn't speak. She's too sore and too afraid to answer. She can't even nod her response or her maddening headache might worsen. She feels him press his forehead to the side of hers.

"I thought I lost you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He whispers then plants a gentle kiss to her cheek. Iris closes her eyes and despite the voice in her head telling her not to be a fool, she listens to her heart(as always) and allows herself to enjoy his affection.

"I love you. I love you so, so, much Iris. You know that right?" He pleads.

"I know Barry. I love you too." She manages to croak out, her voice raspy and hoarse. He drops the ice pack (which Iris now realises he was holding to nurse her half shut-eye) and she turns her head to look at him. Once again she's taken aback by his eyes, the rage isn't there anymore. In its place are longing, guilt and love. So much love. Her heart trembles with the smallest sliver of hope. Maybe this time he'll stay. Maybe this time he really means it when he says that he's sorry. She reaches a weak hand up and places it on his cheek, offering him a forgiving, smile. 

"I can't lose you Iris. I just can't. I can't live without you."

"Shh. It's ok babe. You're never going to lose me. I'm yours forever." 

She leans in and presses a kiss to his lips. A part of her wants to pull back and throw up. He'd hurt her for the umpteenth time and it was bound to happen again. The other part of her, the broken part, the majority of her wants desperately for his words to be true. That part needs reassurance that she hasn't stayed this long for nothing, that there's still hope for them after all. That the man she loves is still here with her, he's fighting through it just like she is. He responds by moving his lips against hers. His kisses are soft, caring. Nothing like the brutal punches he'd thrown at her earlier. She feels his hand move down her body tenderly before he hooks his arm beneath her knees and with his other hand pressed to her back he lifts her from the tub.

"Barry? What are you doing?"

She asks as he carries her back into the bedroom. 

"I'm gonna make it all better." He whispers and a shiver runs down her spine at the hint of lust that punctuates his words. He places her gently onto their bed and the sheets beneath her are soaked within seconds. Barry's lips find hers in the dark and he takes her breath away once again, this time with passionate kisses. He turns his attention onto her neck, kissing the tender skin and occasionally sucking it, leaving marks of a different nature. A soft moan escapes her lips as he takes a hardened nipple into his mouth while his fingers tease her lower lips. He slowly presses two of them into her and she whispers out his name. He teases her breast with his tongue while his fingers work on her sweet spot to get her off. 

"You're so beautiful, " he whispers.

"I love you Iris." He declares and she wants to answer but her mind is clouded by her nearing orgasm. 

"I-I" her breath comes out in short puffs and she can barely string a sentence together. 

"Shhh, you don't have to say, anything baby. Just come for me. Show me how much you love me." 

Her brain takes note of the pet name but she's already too far gone to stop now. Her hips answer his provocations and to add the cherry on top he vibrates his fingers slightly sending her over the edge. Her back arches as a wave of ecstasy washes over her. He withdraws his fingers from inside her and in the darkness, she can feel his smile. He kisses her, gently but it seems cold somehow. 

"I told you you're mine. No one else can take you over like I just did." 

He whispers into her ear, shattering the brief wonderland she'd built for herself and bringing her face to face with her reality.

She's in love with a monster. 

...

The next morning she wakes up naked in an empty bed. She's curled up into a ball, freezing in the early morning chill. He didn't even care enough to cover her. Feeling exposed and violated, she gets up and walks to their bathroom. Staring at the mirror she's confronted with the truth, she'd fallen for his act again. 

The skin around her eye is purple and pink and she still can't open it fully. Her ribs are bruised where he'd kicked her and her neck has the imprint of his fingers etched into it like a sickening tattoo. Along with the love bites he'd given her. It wasn't an act of love, it was him marking his territory. She was his. 

All the lies he'd told while making her quiver with need come back to assault her. 

He can't live without her. He loves her, she's beautiful. He could barely see her how could he call her beautiful!

Her reflection blurs behind tears that she'd been fighting off last night but now allows herself to shed. 

Stupid. 

That's what she is. Completely and utterly stupid for still believing in his sharp tongue. Her chest is suddenly crushed by an unimaginable shame. She came for him. Her body still responds to his touch, still caves to his advances. Bile rises at the back of her throat and she rushes to the toilet to expel her disgust. 

Disgust in herself. 

Iris fills the bathtub with water and settles in to it. She grabs her loofa and scrubs vigorously, further bruising her already sensitive skin. The pain doesn't bother her. It has become her friend. Her close companion both physically and emotionally. So close in fact that she no longer remembers who she was without it. She submerges herself completely into the tub and in the partial silence of being underwater, she prays in thought that her heart just stop. That her breath hitches and she slips into a never-ending sleep. She opens her mouth and breathes, the sting of water in her lungs causing her to convulse. Iris shoots out of the water, coughing and wheezing. Gasping for breath. Her prayer hasn't been answered. 

Disillusioned she gets ready for work and to her relief her husband doesn't come home before she leaves. The sun is up now and despite the slight heat of the day Iris arrives at work with a scarf wrapped around her neck. She hid the damage to her face as best as she could with concealer but there isn't much she could have done about the slight swelling. She keeps to herself, afraid of all the concerned glances and difficult questions, that is until she's cornered in the meetings room by Scott.

"Set up duty West?" He asks as he steps inside to find her laying out folders that contain the topics of discussion for today's meeting. 

She looks up at him and offers him a forlorn smile. 

"Yeah, Linda didn't come in today, I think she's sick, so I took her turn." She answers. Scott's smile falls from his face and she's reminded of her appearance. She immediately drops her gaze and turns her face to the ground. 

"What happened?" He asks, undeniably worried as he steps towards her. 

"Nothing I just, " she chuckles nervously. 

"I fell down the stairs is all. Clumsy me." She lies and her boss sees right through her excuse. 

"Iris?" He asks again, his tone begging her to tell him the truth. She remains still, too ashamed to face him. 

He reaches out to touch her bruised skin but only manages to get close enough that she can feel the warmth from his hand on her cheek before she flinches. With her eyes closed and in a voice so soft that if he weren't paying attention he'd miss it, she allows herself a much needed moment of weakness.

"Please don't, " she whispers. "If he finds out he'll kill me."

Scott's eyes widen though Iris doesn't see it with her own still being closed. He feels a knot form in his throat and asks, 

"Who? Barry?"

At the mention of his name Iris begins to panic. Her paranoia has escalated over the years to the point where she fears he has eyes and ears everywhere. 

"I've said too much," She says flustered and rushes to the door.

"Iris wait, please. I wanna help you." His voice is coated with a layer of sincere concern and her hand wavers on the door handle as she imagines how easy it would be to just give in. To let him hold her while she cries, to feel safe again. Yet she looks up at him with sorrowful eyes and says, 

"Scott, please. I'm asking you as a friend. For both our sakes, forget I said anything." 

With that, she walks away heavy-hearted. At her table, she slumps down on to the office chair and hides her face in her hands. The area around her bruised eye stings with the pressure and she suddenly feels exhausted, weighed down by the crushing realisation that there is no escape. If she so much as contemplates leaving he will find her, and he'll kill whoever stands in his way. The guilt would crush her and there's no way to escape on her own. She's not strong enough to leave him. Not alone. Her wedding ring burns around her finger like a noose. Each day it grows tighter and tighter and she's losing her breath, fading slowly, craving a sweet release that approaches at a snail-like a pace. Until then, she waits. Trapped with no escape. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long awaited but finally here! 🤩 So sorry for the delay but I hope you enjoy the chapter! (Well to the extent possible😭)
> 
> If the first half seems a little familiar it's because it's based on one of the iconic West-Allen scenes in 4x01❤️
> 
> Let me know what you think 😍❤️

[Flashback] 

  
“Barry?” 

  
She called out to him, inside her a storm of emotions wrecked what little strength she had left from the past six months. All she wanted to do was hold him. To be held by him and feel whole again. To feel at home. Yet he seemed so distant, so out of himself. All he did was draw and draw and draw. Symbols that she couldn’t make any sense of and somehow that made her feel even more guilty. 

  
Guilty that she couldn’t understand him, the love of her life. That she’d lost hope when he was trapped in the speed force, possibly going through unimaginable pain. That she didn’t try harder to find a way to get him back. Now here he was, pieces of him held together in a familiar body, forming an unknown mind. A stranger with a recognisable face. 

  
“I don’t know if you can hear me, or if you’re trying to send us a message somehow,” she persisted, yet still her words elicited no reaction. He continued drawing, still trapped in his own world.

  
“Hey, I did what you told me to,” she pressed on. 

  
“I kept running. I kept moving forward.” The tears stung her eyes and stained her cheeks but she’d been crying for so long that she barely noticed it anymore. It was a normal part of her day. A normal part of who she was. 

  
“Because I knew that if I stopped to look back, then I would remember that you weren’t behind me anymore.” Her words were strained from the effort of trying to speak between sobs. He was back. So why did she still feel so alone? Why did her heart still ache like a piece of her was missing? 

  
“And it’s been so hard. And when Cisco said that he could bring you back, you know, I didn’t know what to think.” The guilt pierced a little deeper, as she confessed her next words, tainted with all the fear she’d accumulated in silence. 

  
“What if it didn’t work? What if you were dead?” The thought alone shattered her and despite him standing right in front of her, she was still afraid that she’d lost him. 

  
“I mean, I thought it would be like losing you all over again.” She walked towards him, unable to keep her distance. She needed to be near him. Feel his warmth around her. Find a way to wake herself up from this nightmare. But her attempt was in vain. He didn’t even seem to feel her presence. His distant demeanour hit her like a blow to the stomach, worsening the hollow feeling she had inside. She was suddenly weak and her voice grew soft. 

  
“I never imagined this, though. I don’t know what I would do if this is all that’s left of you…” She looked up trying to catch his eyes. Searching for a glimpse of her Barry in the rambling mess that stood before her. 

  
“…if this is all that’s left of the amazing man that I know and love.”   
She couldn’t bear it. Her heart hammered out of her chest, calling out to him, begging him to come back to her. 

  
“Please come back to me.”   
She stepped closer, craving proximity. Desperately wanting to hold on to him and never let go. Clinging on to the last shred of hope that the worst might actually be over. 

  
“Tell me you’re still my Barry,” she whispered out one last plea. A secret wish to the universe to return her soul mate to her. A message to his heart from hers. Her hands wrapped around his shoulder and she rested her cheek on his arm. Though the closeness did little to comfort her, it finally stirred something within him and for the first time during the one way conversation he turned his head to acknowledge her presence. His stare was distant, empty, lacking its usual spark. 

  
That was the first time she noticed it. The change in him, but later on that day after he saved her when he took her into his arms and kissed her like it was their first hello and the last goodbye. There in that field in the middle of nowhere was the first time she let herself be fooled. She disregarded her earlier observations, chalking it up to his momentary state of imbalance. She let herself be blinded by relief and consumed by the overwhelming sense of belonging and peace that came from being with him once more. She’d finally woken up, the bad dream was over. Or so she thought… 

* * *

“Iris?” 

  
His voice brings her back from her trip down memory lane and though her first instinct is to flinch she contains herself and turns around to look at him. He’d surprised her with flowers at work earlier this evening and together they enjoyed a pleasant stroll home. She’d been petrified when he showed up at CCPN, fearing the conversation that might unfold if he and Scott were to cross paths but luck was on her side and they left without any unwanted incidents. Now they’re both enjoying a candlelit bath with calming oils and just the right amount of bubbles. It reminds Iris of better times. Times where his wet hands gingerly massaging her tense shoulders wouldn’t stir up such conflicting emotions. On the one hand, she wants to enjoy the affection, live in the moment but on the other, she has her guard up and is ready to flee at the slightest hint of an altercation. 

  
“You okay?” he asks and she smiles at him. 

  
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just been a long day,” she answers. 

  
“What were you thinking about? You seemed distant,” she can’t help the sad smile that stretches over her lips. Moments like this make her believe that her Barry is still in there somewhere because in these moments he shows just how much he still knows her. Her every flaw and strength, every expression and gesture, at times even her thoughts.

  
“Nothing major I was just reminiscing. About the day the team got you out of the speed force. All the conflicting emotions I had, the fear that we might not get you back to your old self. The pain of seeing you in that state. The relief that you were at least alive. The…”

  
_Guilt_ she wants to say but instead, she internalises the thought and moves on. 

  
“It was just all too much. It’s been almost two years since then and I still have this weird feeling, this fear that…” 

  
_That I’ll never get you back. _   
_That it’s all my fault for leaving you in there. _   
_That everything you’re putting me through is just the worlds way of punishing me for being weak and thoughtless. _

Iris closes her eyes and feels the tears burn just behind her eyelids. He places a foamy finger beneath her chin and turns her face towards him. 

  
“Hey, it’s OK. I’m here now and I’m never going to leave you again. Ever. OK?”   
She nods, teary-eyed, and he offers her a smile. He strokes her cheek with his thumb and says,

  
“I love you.” They’re empty words, she knows that but still, she answers, 

  
“I love you too.” Iris looks into his sea-green eyes and feels a pinch in her heart. Something is still missing and it’s her fault. She let him go, she didn’t fight to get him out, she lost hope. He got lost and part of him is still lost and its all her fault. She reaches up to cup his face and takes his face in for a second longer before leaning towards him and softly brushing her lips against his. The kiss starts off slow, soft but soon deepens with need. 

  
Her need. 

  
A need to feel close to him again. To have all of him back to her. To have him forgive her so that she can forgive herself and on a more subconscious level a need to forget the past two years of her life. Forget the never-ending nightmare. 

  
The sound of their lips pulling apart then reconnecting seconds later harmonises with the soft drip-drop of the water, filling the silence with a song of calm passion. Iris turns around, sloshing bathwater everywhere, and straddles Barry. She can feel his erection grazing her sweet spot and the craving worsens. It’s been a while since they were last intimate. Truly intimate, physically connected instead of just engaging in meaningless foreplay to get each other off.   
“Do you want to move this somewhere a little more comfortable?” she whispers breathlessly over his mouth. 

  
“Mm-hmm,” he murmurs back. She chuckles and pecks him one last time before lifting herself out of the water. For a moment he just stares up at her, admiring her water covered body. The droplets shimmers in the dim lighting, adding a mystical quality to the multitude of scars scattered across her body. Remnants of battles lost in this on-going war. Iris finds her self growing self-conscious of her flaws but soon his eyes glaze over with want and it’s just about enough to allow her to push her insecurities down for the time being. She steps out of the tub and walks back into their bedroom, not bothering to towel down. Barry simply watches her walk away, admiring the view. She’s won his attention in a way that won’t end up with her needing an ice pack and for her, that’s a win. It’s the only way she can win. The only way she can gain some form of affection from and closeness to him. With sex. 

  
Some part of her knows the truth. That this is all she is, a warm body for him to have his way with. Yet, the fact that he doesn’t show it, that he makes an effort to hide the fact that she means nothing to him anymore, makes it easier for her to write out a fantasy in her mind that it signifies something more. He silently walks up behind her and his hand snakes around her waist to rest on her stomach. His lips find the sensitive spot on the curve of her neck and she closes her eyes in order to fully enjoy the moment. He places his other hand over one of her breasts and massages it slowly, all the while his lips never leave her neck. She can feel his arousal on her back and just as the hand that was holding her in place begins to move south towards her heat she stops him. 

  
“Not today Barry,” she whispers, her voice tainted with desire. 

  
“I need to feel you today. To be close to you,” she explains as she turns around in his arms to face him. She grabs hold of his hard member and strokes it gently.   
“I want you,” she whispers while standing on the tips of her toes to reach his lips. 

  
“All of you.”

  
He claims her lips as both his hands find a home on her waist and her arms wrap around his neck. For a brief second, they break apart, just enough time for him to lift her off the ground. She wraps her legs around his waist and he carries her towards the bed. The mattress sinks beneath their weight as they shift to get comfortable. He pushes two fingers into her, testing her readiness and a guttural groan escapes him as he realises how wet she is. His thumb teases her clit, heating her up further and bringing her close. 

  
“Barry,” she barely manages to breathe out 

  
“Please.” 

  
She’s begging now. He likes that. He likes to feel in control of her, superior, more powerful. Her plea is enough to have him answering her call so he lifts himself off of her and parts her legs at the knees. She quivers in anticipation. Barry lines himself with her opening and languidly pushes in. His pace is so sluggish that she can feel her walls adjusting to the length of him, inch-by-inch. He pauses for a moment, already buried deep inside her, and allows her some time to get used to the invasion. It’s been so long that she’s particularly tight meaning that he can only control himself for a limited amount of time. 

  
Triumphant butterflies flutter in her stomach as she takes in the strained look on his face. Her only moment of dominance. She flexes and relaxes her muscles, moving around his shaft and a moan escapes his lips, making every hair on her body stand on end.   
Unable to hold on any longer he pulls out then pushes back in, this time with a bit more force. The air rushes out of her lungs with a ‘pleasantly surprised’ gasp and she braces herself as he increases his speed. Her fingernails dig into his back with such aggressiveness that if it weren’t for his speed healing she’s sure they would leave a mark.   
Iris feels her climax building up, anticipating release but hoping to prolong the experience. Prolong the lack of distance between them. Freeze the intimacy of the moment. Barry, however, has other plans. Sensing her nearing orgasm he calls upon his speed and begins vibrating his entire body. That’s enough to send her over the edge and she spasms beneath him as she comes.   
He rides her through her pleasure wave finding his own release soon after, emptying himself inside her. 

  
They lay together, trying to catch their breaths and drenched in sweat. He leans in and plants a kiss on her forehead before moving out of her and making his way to the bathroom. 

  
The distance is back. 

  
Iris hears the shower turn on and tries to hold back her tears as she’s hit with a sudden longing for the past. Back then he would have held her in his arms throughout the night, caressing her back or playing with her hair. Enjoying her company in a homey silence. That’s what Barry used to be like. Her Barry. The one who proposed to her but, unfortunately, not the one she married. 

  
Feeling hollow and disillusioned she slips on an oversized t-shirt, lays back down and cries herself to sleep, barely sensing when he joins her in bed, keeping his distance as always.   
As she drifts off into a dreamless state of partial consciousness the one thought that riddles her mind is:

  
_It’s all my fault._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For @wearetheflash who tricked me into writing this fic but did it out of love and faith in my writing ability. I love you lots doll! Happy Birthday 💜❤️


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there everyone!  
So I've been reading all your comments and it seems like everyone is hating Barry which is good (for me as a writer that is, not as a fan) and I notice that everyone has a certain idea of how this should play out. 
> 
> You all know me, I'm a bag of surprises and when I first started developing this story I had a bit of an unorthodox plot planned. Its going to start unraveling from here on out and I really hope that you love me enough not to leave me until you see where this is going. 
> 
> Please and Thank you! Hope you enjoy the chapter 😘💜
> 
> P. S. Cliffhanger warnings apply 😅
> 
> XOXO  
💜💜

* * *

Her mind is blank, her mouth dry and her eyes are open so wide that they form near perfect circles on her face. The only sign of her being alive is the fast hammering of her heart in her chest.

_This can’t be happening_, the thought pushes through her fear. As she tries to remember how to breathe. 

_Please let this not be happening_, she pleads to a higher entity, although the last time she’d been in a church was on her wedding day. Ironic isn’t it? How a place of goodness, purity and salvation was the very location where she’d promised herself into eternal damnation? 

_It’s not true,_ she thinks to herself but the evidence is right in front of her, clear as day. 

Two blue lines. 

She’s pregnant.

She suspected as much after she found herself rushing to the restroom with an upset stomach for the third time this week. She wasn't the only one in the office who was sick so at first she thought it might be a bug. That was until she rearranged her calendar and realised that her period is late. This time when she ran to the bathroom it wasn't because of bad food, it was fear. Scott forced her to take the rest of the day off and on her way home, Iris stopped to get an early pregnancy test at the pharmacy. Barry arrived just as she was about to open the package so she decided to hide it for later. Lord only knows what would happen if she got his hopes up and it turned out to be a false alarm. 

Well it’s not a false alarm. 

She is actually pregnant. A piece of her and Barry grows inside her with every passing minute. Iris takes in a shaky breath as tears spring to her eyes. Involuntarily she begins to sob. Hiccup-like sounds interrupted every so often by her futile attempts to breathe. She slams her hands over her mouth to silence her cries. Barry’s in the next room and she doesn’t think he’ll take being woken up in the middle of the night kindly. 

She looks down at the drugstore pregnancy test and is assaulted by a number of warring emotions. She wants to be happy, to run into the room and wake him up with kisses. Scream that he’s going to be a father. But then reality pays her a visit and sucks the sparkle out of her fantasy.

_What if he doesn’t want to be a father? _

_What if he doesn’t know how to be a father? _

_What if he attacks me and I…._

She can’t bring her self to finish the thought. Suddenly, it’s hard to breathe. Her chest feels like it’s being crushed by a space ship and her lungs fail to expand causing her to hyperventilate, desperately gulping for air. Fear’s bony hand curls its fingers around her heart and squeezes. She closes her eyes in pain while clutching at her chest. 

_I’m… Barry… a baby... breathe _

Her thoughts begin to mesh together like a pile-up on a highway, ramming into each other at high speed and breaking apart completely. Breaking her apart completely. It’s not the first time she’s had one of these. 

Panic attacks. 

They’ve become a common part of her weekly life. An homage to her paranoia. The first time she had one, she’d woken up in the middle of the night. She couldn’t breathe, her body trembled and her heart beat so fast that she expected it to stop at any second. Everything she’d learned in her psychology classes seemed to have disappeared from her mind and she stared on blankly as each agonising second ticked by. As her heart beat slowed, she looked around at the empty living room from her “bed” on the sofa and remembered that she was completely and utterly alone. Just like that, her heart raced once again. 

Back then her panic was induced by the thought of having been widowed before she got the chance to say ‘I do’. It was a feeling of despair for having lost her soul mate after finally realising that he was the one. A realisation of her possible eternal solitude. 

Then Barry came back and for the first few weeks she was fine. That is until his outbursts began. With each hellish incident her petrification grew and along with it her panic morphed from despair into fear. The fear that her next move might land her in hospital. That she wasn’t perfect enough to deserve his affection. The fear of upsetting him, of the next slap, the next punch, the next kick.

She learned how to deal with them by the fifth occurrence and soon enough it was like second nature to her. At times she’d catch her self engaging in panic management exercises through out the day without necessarily needing to. Making continuous lists in her mind…

_4 things I can touch _

_3 things I can hear_

_2 things I can smell_

_1 thing I can taste_

Sight was never used, it was deceptive in times of panic. Her mind made her see what it wanted her to see – danger at every turn. Normally by the time she’s gone through her list, her grip on reality begins to tighten and she floats back down into herself. She manages to slow her racing heart and reactivate her seemingly collapsed lungs.   
This time, however, her fear is greater. It’s heightened by the notion that she’s backed into a corner. There are only two options – run and give her child the life of a fugitive or stay and risk not giving them a life at all. 

_I can’t…I…I can’t be pregnant_, she tries to convince herself. There was a time when the thought of carrying Barry's child would have sent her over the moon, but that was before. Before he became the malicious and physically vengeful man she found herself married to. Before each and every day was burdened by the question of whether or not it would be her last. She can barely protect herself how on earth is she going to protect another life?

Maybe he’ll change. Maybe a baby will make him change. The thought pops into her head like a sinister whisper. The part of her that’s been trained to see the good in him no matter what. The part of her that loves him unconditionally. 

Yet rationality still screams inside her head and begs her not to be fooled. This is one illusion she can’t live out. A dream that she now realises she can’t have. The dream of being a mother.

She knows that at the slightest irritation her husband will lash out on her and the chances of her losing her baby are more than high. That loss would be the end of her. And even if she does carry the baby to term, if for some miracle Barry leaves her alone for nine months and she manages to bring a child into this world, what kind of life is she going to offer him/her?

A life of pain? Of fear? Of hiding away from the man who’s supposed to protect them? A life of being subjected to seeing mom being beaten down and bruised over and over again? Her heart seems to stop at the thought. Her tears dry out. She’s trapped as always but for the first time ever she doesn’t just feel hopeless and alone. She also feels empty.

Iris sinks on to the cold bathroom floor and stares blankly at nothing. Her hand subconsciously moves to rest over her expecting abdomen and all the noise in her head is drowned out by a single question:

_What am I going to do?_

It eats away at her like a black hole, sucking the hope out of her soul the longer it remains unanswered. Iris closes her eyes and focuses on her breaths. 

_What am I going to do?_

It hammers away at her brain. Pounding. Pounding. Pounding. Until eventually it breaks through and a solution comes to her in a dream…

_She trudges down the stairs carrying her suitcase and sets it down in a corner. The loft is spotless and there's a warm dinner waiting in the oven. She needs this moment to be perfect. She wants the only thing that can possibly bring out his anger to be the bag in the corner and the meaning behind it. Barry will be home any minute now and though her heart is racing in her chest she tries to keep calm. _

_She tells herself to take deep breaths as she walks towards the fire place. Located in the bricks above the mantel is a secret compartment that (much to her luck) Barry hasn't found as yet. She removes the two bricks in the centre and reaches her hand inside, extracting a miniature frost gun from the hole in the wall. It works much like Captain Cold's weapon of choice it's just a little smaller, making it travel friendly and easy to hide. Iris replaces the bricks and carries the gun with her to the couch where she takes a seat and waits for her husband to return home. Of course the sensible thing to do would be for her to take this opportunity and run, but the reality is there's no place on earth that she can go where Barry won't find her. She has no other choice, she has to face him._

_The oh so familiar (and now partially terrifying) whoosh announces his arrival and she swallows down the knot in her throat. She sits unmoving, waiting for him to speak and gathering the courage she will need to face him. _

_“Iris?” He calls, his tone quizzical. _

_“Y-Yes babe?” She stutters unintentionally. _

_“What’s your suitcase doing here?” He asks, his voice changing to become uncharacteristically emotionless. _

_And so it begins. _

_Iris feels herself freeze and has to close her eyes in order to push the fear away. _

Think about the baby,_ she thinks to herself. _Think about the baby.

_She stands, slowly, and turns to face him. Hiding her weapon behind her back. _

_“Iris, answer me! What is your suitcase doing here?!” He raises his voice and she shakes startled, at first, but then she points the gun at him and stares him down. _

_"I’m leaving you." She reveals with the weapon trained on him and tears streaming down her cheeks despite the fire burning in her glare. His eyes widen, he clearly wasn't expecting her to point a gun at him. In all honestly neither was she, but she can’t turn back now._

_“What?” He asks in his shock, and in his eyes a flicker of doubt dances about. _

_“Babe, come on, let’s talk about this,” he approaches and she takes a step back._

_“Iris please, I love you.” Barry implores and her chest tightens but she reminds herself to stay strong. _

_“I love you too,” Iris sobs tremulously. Each word tearing away at her heart._

_“But I love our child more.” She declares pulling the trigger as surprise registers in his glare._

_She watches, destroyed, as the father of her child freezes over, the white-blue ice swallowing him bit by bit. She knows its only a matter of time before he vibrates himself out of his icy paralysis so once the ice is thick enough she puts the gun down and makes her escape, needing the head start._

_As she brushes past him she whispers:_

_“Goodbye Barry,”_

_The door closes behind her with a final thud but not before she hears him scream. The sound sends shivers through her but not because of the guttural hatred registered in it. Rather because that’s the most emotion she’s heard in his voice at the pronunciation of her name, in a long time. _

_“Iris!” it echoes in her mind as she walks away_. 

“Iris!”

She jolts awake to find a concerned Barry crouched in front of her. She looks around disoriented then her eyes land on the stick in his hand. 

She freezes. 

He holds it up to her, an unreadable expression painted over his features, and asks:

  
_“Are you pregnant?”_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its so late, been a couple of hectic weeks. I'm working on Au and pray that I'll be done with it by tomorrow. Thank you so much for your patience shippers.  
I'm sure you'll notice that I dimmed down on the emotion and dramatics for this one (or atleast I tried to) but that's because the next chapter is going to be a bit loaded so I wanted to give you all a tiny breather.
> 
> Enjoy😍
> 
> XOXO
> 
> P. S. Cliffhanger warnings apply 🙏🏾

Panic stirs her stomach and Iris pushes past Barry to the lavatory where she hurls out last night’s dinner. To her surprise Barry holds her hair back and rubs her back in gentle circles. The tenderness of his touch is foreign to her but somehow reminiscent of the old him. Finally done, she sits weakly on the floor and wipes at her mouth with the back of her hand. When she raises her eyes to meet her husband’s, she’s shocked to find a look of genuine concern on his face. Still out of character, he gets her a glass of water which she gratefully takes and in an attempt to lighten the mood and hide her confusion she tentatively asks:

  
“I’m guessing that answers your question?” She uses the water to wash the taste of vomit from her mouth and watches Barry closely. He simply stares at her with an expression of shock on his face.   
  
“You’re – you’re really pregnant?” She hears him stutter and with an insecure crease of her brow she nods. Barry’s face gradually lights up as a smile creeps onto his lips. A sparkle of life is returned to them and Iris feels her heart skip a beat.  
  
_Is this it?_  
  
_Is this what finally brings him back to me?_  
  
She thinks, afraid to get her hopes up but already doing so. Continuing his streak of surprises he takes her into his arms and swings her around. His laugh is heartfelt and fills the room and after the initial shock wears off, Iris joins him in his happiness. For a blissful moment she allows herself the luxury of joy. Of pretending that her life is as it used to be. As it should be. With his arms warmly around her and his heartbeat lovingly thumping against hers. She let’s herself be swept away by the sparkle of the moment, engulfed by his warmth, enraptured by his affection.   
  
That is until her foot knocks over one of the small decorative vases on the sink and their celebration is pierced by the sound of breaking glass.   
Barry sets her back down on the floor and her heart begins to hammer away uncontrollably in her chest. Her dream shatters like the glass on the floor.  
  
“I-I-I’m sorry, I’ll… clean this up right away,” She says bending down to pick up the broken pieces.   
  
“Iris don’t!” he yells and in the blink of an eye she’s off her knees and in his arms. He rushes her to bed and sets her down gingerly.   
  
“Did, did you get cut? Are you OK?” he asks, turning her hands around in his to see if any of the glass got the better of her.   
  
“I’m, I’m fine,” Iris stutters, her eyes wide with surprise. It’s been so long since he’d been this careful around her that she’d forgotten what it felt like.   
  
“I’m sorry about the mess,” he says and she simply blinks, dumbfounded. He apologised. An actual, genuine apology! For something that wasn’t entirely his fault!   
  
“You don’t have to apologise Bear, it was an accident.” She says and a small smile creeps over her lips.   
  
“An accident that could have hurt you. I should have known better. I’ll be more careful, I promise.” The guilt laced worry in his tone sends shivers through her. Shivers of longing, of relief, of happiness, of hope. Yet, trained by two years of torture her escape only lasts a fragment of a second before she puts her guard back up, partially.  
  
“It’s OK Barry, really, I’m fine.” She reassures him and he meets her eyes with a smile.  
  
“OK. You get some rest, that floor was probably uncomfortable. I’m going to clean up that mess.” He says.  
  
“Oh Barry, that’s OK I can do it you-”  
  
“Shhh. I will not risk you getting hurt. Plus I can literally have it done in a second. You just lay down and get some rest.” he insists and she nods. His fingers brush a stray hair from her face, his eyes soft as he gazes at her and for the first time in a long time Iris feels seen. Really, truly seen.  
  
“What is it?” she asks as his features soften further, his eyes still locked on her face.  
  
“Nothing I just… I love you. So much.” He says and she takes in a sharp breath as her heart does a flip. For a brief moment she can see a sliver of the old sparkle that illuminated his green eyes with the flames of life. The light that used to whisper to her all the secrets of his pure soul. It flickers for a second then vanishes but not without leaving behind a glittery residue that keeps Iris’s hopes up.  
  
“I love you too,” She answers, her voice a tremulous whisper. He smiles then leans in and captures her lips with his. The kiss is soft, unlike any she’s had in the past two years. Its gentleness hides in it a heartwarming affection. A loving longing that takes her back to the many promises he’d sealed with a kiss just as sweet.

Though no promise is verbally made, this simple touch is enough to revive her broken spirits as she interprets it as Barry’s way of telling her that he’s finally home.  
  
That he’s here to stay and that he’ll never leave nor hurt her again. They break apart and he rests his forehead on hers as his hand softly massages the back of her neck.  
  
“Get some rest and don’t worry about work. I’ll call Scott and tell him that you’re taking the rest of the week off.” He whispers softly, his words touching her like a gentle feather to the heart.   
  
“A week?” she chuckles, her voice just as subtle.  
  
“Isn’t that a little long. I’m pregnant, not sick,” she reassures him.  
  
“I just want enough time for you to get to your check ups and still be able to rest. Just for this week? Please?” he practically begs and there’s a childlike quality to his stare that melts her heart instantly.  
  
“Alright. For this week.” She caves and a broad smile brightens his handsome features.  
  
“Ok. I’m going to take care of that mess. You get some sleep.” He says while standing and she smiles while making herself comfortable on the bed. No sooner does her head hit the pillow, exhaustion takes hold and pulls her under.   
  
“Sweet dreams,” he whispers as her eyes flutter shut and she drifts off to sleep with the image of the man she loves dancing in her mind.

* * *

Iris awakens during mid-afternoon feeling groggy yet strangely revived. It’s been a while since she’s had this good a sleep session. The silence that greets her let’s her know that she’s alone and as she swings her feet off of the bed a folded piece of paper catches the corner of her eye. She picks it up off the side table to inspect and finds that it’s a note from Barry:  
  
_Had a Flash errand to run. If you wake up before I get back there’s some breakfast in the fridge and microwave, take your pick but please eat something. _  
  
_Be back in a flash. _  
  
_I love you._  
  
_-B_  
  
She smiles bringing the little note to her chest and pressing it against her racing heart. He used to leave her these all the time while they were dating. She’d find them between her work folders or in her purse or by her bedside. Always words of encouragement, of admiration or of love. The last one she received was on the morning of their wedding day. The happiest day of her life.  
  
If only she’d known back then that it was the final day of her trial. That she’d been found guilty of a crime she didn’t even know she’d committed. That her wedding day marked the first day of a life long sentence.  
  
The smile on her lips dims with a settling sadness.  
  
_Snap out of it Iris!_  
  
She scolds herself.   
  
_He’s back. Your Bear, the love of your life, he’s back._

  
She tries to convince herself but her heart still beats out a tune of misery. It still quakes with uncertainty. Still pumps fear through her veins. The door bell rings, bringing her back from her lonely trip down terror lane and she plants her feet onto the ground and makes her way downstairs.   
  
“Who is it?” she asks as she peers through the seeing eye and is surprised to find her boss on the other side of the door.   
  
“Iris, it’s Scott.” He answers. Her stomach does a flip and something tells her she shouldn’t open the door. If Barry had to come home and find another man with her what would he think? How would he react? Yet, Iris puts on a brave face and shakes away her fears.   
  
It’s time to break free of the toxic cycle.   
  
Pushing away her hesitation she unlocks the door and opens it. Scott offers her a worried smile in greeting.   
  
“Sorry to just drop by unannounced but Barry called to say you were taking the week off and I just wanted to make sure you’re OK.” He says then lifts a Jitters bag into the air and announces,  
  
“I got you some brownies and cronuts. Linda mentioned that they’re your favourite.” He hands her the bag and she takes it with a smile.  
  
“Thanks Scott, you really didn’t have to do that.” She says.  
  
“It wasn’t a problem at all.” He says.   
  
“Would you like to come in?” She offers stepping aside and holding the door open for him.   
  
“Oh no, I don’t want to impose I really just wanted to see how you were.” He answers.   
  
“It’s not an imposition. Please, I insist. Join me for a cup of tea.” She says and he smiles before stepping inside. As she locks the door, he shrugs off his coat and takes in the cozy loft.  
  
“You have a, beautiful home.” He compliments as he follows her into the kitchen.   
  
“Uh, thank you. It’s all Barry’s doing.” She explains as she sets down the bag of treats and puts the kettle on. The memory brings a smile to her face and makes her heart tighten with longing.   
  
“Really?” Scott asks wide eyed and she turns to him and nods.   
  
“He surprised me with the loft for Christmas and then decorated it while I was at work on his day off. We’d just started dating back then and I was a little nervous about us moving in together.” She reveals as she sets the cronuts and brownies out on a plate.   
  
“Why were you nervous? Didn’t the two of you practically live together all your lives?” he asks, familiar with their background story.   
  
“Yes we had but this, this was different. Before – when we lived together – he was my best friend. He was a person I could confide in and cry to. But once we started getting involved romantically all the trust and love I had for him before just got blown out of proportion. It felt like a secret compartment in my heart just opened up and an entire Pandora’s box of emotion came flooding out. But it wasn’t a bad thing it was just overwhelming. I was afraid of screwing it up cause I found myself falling deeper for him each day and the mere thought of him not feeling the same way anymore scared me.” The kettle clicks off, distracting Iris from the look of distress that crosses her bosses face. She pours the boiling water into two cups and places them on a tray along with the plate of baked goods and the tea and sugar pots.   
  
“Do you want some help with that?” Scott offers stepping up behind her to take the tray from her hands.   
  
“No it’s OK, I got it,” She reassures him and he steps back to allow her room to turn around. Placing his hands a breath away from hers on the tray he says:  
  
“I insist, you shouldn’t be exerting yourself.”   
  
His eyes look down at her with an intensity that has become familiar to her. He always looks at her that way, with a warmth she can’t quite place but what she hasn’t noticed is that he reserves that gaze just for her. Letting go and feeling the heat from his stare flush her cheeks she softly thanks him and follows him to the dining room table.   
  
It’s quiet for a moment as they each prepare their beverages, the clicking of spoons against the cups taking the place of conversation. The fear from earlier pays her another visit and twists her stomach into knots. Suddenly brownies don’t seem like such a good idea.   
Finally Scott speaks.   
  
“So how did you get rid of your nervousness?” he asks and takes a sip of his tea.   
  
“Pardon me?” Iris questions, having been caught distracted.   
  
“Your reservations about moving in. How did you overcome them?” he clarifies.   
  
“Oh, um…The night he gave me the apartment he held me, right over there,” She points to a spot in the middle of the room and its almost like that moment materialises before her very eyes.   
  
“And he told me that he loved me. In that moment when I looked into his eyes I saw in them a bottomless pool of affection. I saw in them the love I had for him reflected back at me. Then it hit me, that I had nothing to be afraid of because that’s the same look he’d been giving me for the past 17 years. I just mistook it at first. And the fear just went away because I realised that whether I consciously knew it or not a part of me had always been looking back at him the same way. It was that part of me that, even when we were just friends, knew that I couldn’t live without him.” A warmth invades her chest then and she smiles up at nothing as she recognises a sliver of that emotion still beating deep inside her. Beneath the mountain of pain and guilt that’s grown over the two years they’ve been married.   
  
“Wow,” Scott says, bringing her back once again and Iris turns to look at him and finds him stating back at her like a painter admiring his muse. She brushes the affectionate look off as admiration for her fairytale love story but something about it rattles her deep down. She feels unsettled.   
  
“I’m sorry, it’s so soppy,” She tries to dismiss it, her face completely flushed.  
  
“No don’t apologise. It’s beautiful, the love you have for your husband, its rare to find two people so in love,” he explains. There’s a hint of sadness in his tone but Iris doesn’t seem to register it as she basks in the glow of his compliment.   
  
“Thank you,” She says shyly and he simply smiles in response. The awkward silence from before begins to creep back in but before any of them can come up with a small talk topic the sound of keys turning in the lock draws their attention to the opening door. Barry steps in with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a bag from Jitters in the other.   
  
“Iris I’m…” his voice trails off when he turns around and sees that they have company.   
  
“Home.” He finishes and Iris feels her heart sink when she notices his facial features hardening.   
  
“Hi honey.” She greets as she stands and walks over to him.   
  
“Welcome home,” She says and pecks his lips. A shiver runs through her as she takes note of the intensity in the gaze Barry is directing at Scott.  
  
“Scott,” he greets, the stiffness in his jaw unmistakable.   
  
“Barry,” Scott greets back in a tone just as defiant.   
  
_Please God no._   
  
She silently prays, looking for a way to distract him from whatever story he’s concocting in his mind and break the testosterone fueled tension that has suddenly invaded the space. Her eyes land on the flowers.   
  
“Are those for me?” She asks with the brightest smile she can muster and Barry, at last, tears his gaze away from her boss to acknowledge her.   
  
“Of course, there’s no other woman in my life,” he says handing her the bouquet then is newly freed hand moves to rest on her abdomen and he adds,   
  
“Not yet anyway.” Iris feels her cheeks heat up for what feels like the billionth time today. Barry leans in to plant a kiss on her cheek and she takes advantage of his distraction to steal a look at Scott. Just as expected he’s staring back at them wide eyed.   
  
“I uh, had no idea. Con-congratulations,” he says as he stands from the table.   
  
“Thank you, it’s uh – it’s all fairly new so we’re keeping it quiet for the time being.” She explains, jumping a little when Barry uses his hold to pull her flush against him.   
  
“Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.” Scott promises as he approaches.   
  
“Well, I’d better get going. I’m relieved to see that your time off is for such a joyous reason. I wish you both the best.” He says.   
  
“Thank you,” Barry says and let’s go of Iris.  
  
“I’ll see you out,” he adds handing her the bag.   
  
“Bye Scott, thanks for the visit.” Iris says nervously with a shaky smile as Barry opens the door for him.   
  
“Goodbye Iris. Barry,” Scott greets before taking his leave. The door clicks shut with a gentle nudge from her husband and alarms go off in Iris’s mind.   
  
_Danger! _  
  
They seem to scream and she frantically looks for a way to defuse the situation.   
  
“I eh, better put these in some water.” She says, using the flowers as a shield for a second time. She rushes to the kitchen and puts down the bags then proceeds to find a vase for the flowers. All the while Barry remains by the door. Silent and unmoving.  
  
This is not good.   
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got this done! One of the longest chapters I've ever written😂. I've given you some Fluff, some Smutt, alot of heartache and spiced it all up with angst!  
Hope you all enjoy it!!   
P. S. I'm a bit of a dramatic writer so just dive in prepared 😘♥️
> 
> Just a few announcements before the end of the year:
> 
> Here's what my schedule is looking like for updates:
> 
> Tuesday - Tears She Shed  
Wednesday - Au  
Thursday - One Hit West (this is on tumblr but will make its debut here and on Wattpad this coming Thursday)  
Friday - Saving Grace
> 
> Lights, Camera, Flash! is going to take a little while cause I'm trying to figure out the plot a little bit given that my original idea matched our most recent fandom scandal a little too much and I'm not one to add salt to wounds. I just want to know how I'm going to work this out without making it super messy 😂
> 
> Hope we all enjoy the last day of the year and enter into the new decade with your best foot forward! 
> 
> I love you all 😻❤️
> 
> 😩💜  
XOXO
> 
> Cliffhanger warning 😉

* * *

Tick-tock, tick-tock. 

The seconds slither by, each one stealing a wisp of air from her lungs.  
  
Drip, drip, drip.  
  
The tap drums its steady rhythm, echoing the slowing of her fear heavy heart.  
  
Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum.  
  
The steady hammering of her heartbeat as it languidly pulses in the vein on her temple, growing more and more strained with each da-dum, drip-drip, tick-tock…then  
  
Whoosh! Bam!  
  
Iris feels the swirling air around her before she has time to register his moving from the door. His hands come down, hard, on the balcony in front of her, closing her in, trapping her in place. A burdened sigh escapes his lips, his breath warm against the back of her neck, drying the beads of nervous sweat that have begun to form. Her once slow heart gets a jump start and jackhammers uncontrollably as panic begins to sink in.  
  
Suddenly she’s forgotten how to breathe.  
  
Suddenly she can’t think.  
  
Suddenly his arms are around her.  
  
Suddenly her heart stops.  
  
She closes her eyes, trying to decipher whether or not it’s all a dream but the feeling of his arms crossed around her chest and his heartbeat drumming against her back feels all too real. Barry pulls her close and presses his cheek against her head. His embrace doesn’t seem menacing or violent. On the contrary, it seems loving and each laboured breath reveals to her a hint of relief laced with uncertainty.  
  
Iris is paralysed, but this time it isn’t by fear but rather by confusion. Pain would have been normal. Loud noises of breaking bones and bashed in furniture. Blood, tears, choking, swelling, bruises. That would have been expected. That she would have been prepared for.  
  
But this?  
  
This gentle touch? This simple silence? This affectionate warmth of his body against hers? This she wasn’t expecting.  
  
“Please, don’t leave me.”  
  
The words come out as a secretive whisper and fall over her ears like a blanket of fear.  
  
_His_ fear.  
  
Tick-tock, tick…  
  
Drip, drip, dri…  
  
Da-dum, da-dum, da…  
  
The weight of his request drowns out the rest of the world, taking her under with the depth of its implications.  
  
_I love him_  
  
**He hurts me**  
  
_He’s back_  
  
**He’s lying**  
  
_Barry_  
  
**The baby**  
  
_“Please, don’t leave me”_  
  
Then it hits her.  
  
**_I have to go._**  
  
A graveyard stillness takes place inside her as all nerve endings, all emotions and all thoughts undergo a radical shift. At the centre of it all shines a single idea. A mundane concept.  
  
Freedom.  
  
It’s almost as if she’s been living in a dense fog, blinded by her love and her guilt but now that she has something- someone¬- other than Barry to live for, the fog is clearing and the solution is staring her blindly in the face. It’s the only way to ensure that her child is safe. The only way to give him/her a chance at a normal and mostly happy life.  
  
_“Please, don’t leave me.”_  
  
His words come back to haunt her and despite the idea of escape growing on her like the life in her womb, her heart still shatters at the thought. She can fight off the pain he causes, she can fight off the fear of what will happen once she walks out that door with a promise to never return but what she can’t fight, what she can’t drown out is her love for him.  
  
“Iris,” he breathes out, pulling her already strained heartstrings She criss-crosses arms over his on her chest and pulls him closer, shutting her eyes tighter. Tears stream down her face as the thought of what she has to do becomes concrete. A plan takes shape in her mind, the how and when gaining shape like the limbs of a foetus. Preparing to be born, to rise and change her life forever.  
  
“I love you, Barry,” the words slip out of her without a fuss. Without turmoil or reservation. Without the usual desperation to convince him that they’re true. That they mean she’s never leaving.  
  
Because tonight, she is.  
  
He spins her around in his arms and cups her face gently, searching her eyes. His green ones, partially glossed over with emotions she hasn’t seen in two years, bore into her as if trying to suck her back in, to make her reveal her secrets.  
  
She kisses him.  
  
An impulsive move meant to keep him from seeing the truth behind her tears. He can’t know, not yet. She can’t break him just yet. Not when she’ll still be here to witness the betrayal in his gaze. Not when the evidence of his heartache will be enough to keep her in place. No.  
  
She needs to be gone by the time reality pays him a visit, and when he comes after her she needs to be surrounded by people who will remind her to stay strong. She’s postponed this battle for two years because she was alone, drowning in a sea of her own guilt-ridden tears and the hope of his return to her was her only lifeline. She pushed everyone away because she felt alone. In a room full of people her brain failed to register the presence of any other soul. She shut that part out because if she ever got too close she ran the risk of ruining another person’s life. She couldn’t take that added guilt so she shut them all out.  
  
Caitlin  
  
Cisco  
  
Linda  
  
Cecile  
  
Wally  
  
_Dad_  
  
The glimpse of her father’s face through the seeing eye of the loft door, blips in and out of her mind. A memory that lasts an infinitesimal second but is enough for her to relive the hurt in his eyes…

* * *

_“Iris, baby girl, open the door.” He pleaded. _  
  
_“I-uh- I can’t dad.” She said trying to hold the sob that wanted to give her away. _  
  
_“But, it’s Christmas Iris. We always spend Christmas together.” he tried to reason with her. _  
  
_“You and Barry both didn’t make it to dinner last night and that already got me worried now you won’t even let me in? What’s going on with you both?” he asked. _  
  
_“Dad, please can we talk about this some other time?” she asked, desperately in need of a pain killer and fearing for her father’s life and heart should Barry return from his run and find him there. Though she was his main stress reliever she’d found that her husband’s behaviour had become rash and unpredictable. _  
  
_“Iris!” Joe warned and she felt like a child again, like she was being reprimanded for being the bad little girl that she was. But not even that was enough to get her to open the door. Not when she looked like something out of a medical drama. Her eye was swollen shut, her lips bruised, a band aid over her brow covering a fresh cut and her entire body still trembling and reeling in pain. It was a miracle that she could speak without each word coming out as a shaky jumble of sounds. _  
  
_“Dad please, just go home.” She resorted to begging, unable to come up with a reasonable enough story that didn’t leave him worried or send him Flash hunting without a chance of surviving. She couldn’t do that to him, she couldn’t put him in harm’s way. And even if he didn’t become a bloodthirsty father seeking revenge, the emotional blow would crush him. She saw the look of trust and admiration in her father’s eyes when he gave her away. He loved Barry like a son so the thought of him hurting her in so brutal a manner would crush Joe. He would drive himself insane trying to make sense of it all and that reason would somehow equate to him blaming himself for everything. _  
  
_Iris just couldn’t let that happen. _  
  
_“Iris you open this door right now and you tell me what’s going on!” he demanded more forcefully. _  
  
_“Dad please!” she yelled, this time not bothering to hide her tears. _  
  
_“Just leave me alone ok? Leave us alone!” she pushed out with more force. _  
  
_“Iris.” Her dad exclaimed, sounding taken a back. _  
  
_“We’re not kids anymore dad. We’re married and we want to spend our first Christmas as husband and wife alone. Just the two of us. Is that too much to ask?” each word tore out of her and left a path of damage in its wake. She could feel each one piercing her heart and despite the fact that she was trying to be strong she could feel her willpower dwindling. All she wanted to do was open the door and run into his arms. To feel safe and allow his embrace to stop the shake in her limbs and the ache in her muscles. _  
  
_“Baby girl, this isn’t you. I can hear that you’re hurting. Talk to me.” he said, the pain and worry audible in his voice. Iris swallowed down the beehive in her throat. _  
  
_“This is me, dad. This has always been me, you’ve just been too blind to see it. I’m not your baby girl anymore. I don’t need you to be my hero.” _  
  
_Silence. _  
  
_She could tell that she’d struck a nerve. She used her good eye to peer into the peephole and caught his hurt face on the other side before he walked away, an image that would forever be burned in the back of her mind. She lost him. _  
  
_He didn’t even say goodbye…_

* * *

The wound rips open in her chest and she kisses Barry with a bruising intent to keep from screaming out in agony. Miss reading her signs, he glides his hands down her hips and hoists her up onto the counter. Iris takes advantage of his mistake to distract him from her inner turmoil, wrapping her legs around his waist and letting her fingers comb through his hair.  
  
_“Please don’t leave me.”_  
  
His voice echo’s in her mind. Over and over again. Testing her strength. Tempting her to stay. Trying to drain her of her will.  
  
**_I have to go._**  
  
She pushes back and his lips move to her neck as his fingers work to unbutton her black satin shirt.  
  
_“Please don’t leave me.”_  
  
**_I have to go._**  
  
Her shirt comes off and his fingers gently trail down her bare skin. Her body shivers in response. Her mind is not there.  
  
_“Please don’t leave me.”_  
  
**_I have to go._**  
  
Her head rolls back as Barry latches on to one of her breasts. He teases her, tugging her nipple playfully with his warm lips. Wetting her with his warm tongue. Lighting her from the inside out as he grazes the sensitive skin of her bosom with his teeth. A moan escapes her lips as he moves from the one to the other, treating her with such a gentle attention that if she were living in the moment it would have been easy to lose herself.  
  
But she’s not living in the moment.  
  
She’s simply going through the motions.  
  
_“Please don’t leave me.”_  
  
**_I have to go._**  
  
The war continues in her mind. Even as Barry loops his fingers on the waistband of her pyjama pants.  
  
Even as Iris lifts herself slightly off the counter so that the article of clothing can slide off her hips to the floor.  
  
Even as Barry peppers her torso with hauntingly slow and hot kisses, marking his trek down.  
  
Even as his breath caresses the inside of her thigh and she feels him mark her there as well.  
  
Even as his lips brush over her folds, igniting a fire deep in her belly. He licks her. Once, twice, testing the waters. Then spears her with his tongue. She gasps, fisting a hand full of his hair.  
  
“Barry,” his name pushes out of her like a reflex. An unconscious act embedded in the core of her being through years of experience. Brought out by the most primitive forces at play within her.  
  
He plants his hands on her knees and spreads her wider, digging in deeper as she opens up to him. A high pitched moan sounds from her chest, is cut off by her attempt at regaining breath only to have that same air push out of her again as she gasps out the remaining note of her interrupted cry.  
  
_“Please don’t…”_  
**_I…_**  
  
Her thoughts fade away as her climax nears. He replaces his tongue with his fingers, churning her insides and melting her like butter. His mouth finds the dip of her waist and he kisses her before giving her side a tender bite.  
  
Iris’s breathing quickens and Barry slows his ministrations, prolonging her inevitable release. Yet another finger joins the two already inside her as he continues kissing a path up her side. Barry starts vibrating his fingers at regular intervals and he steals a moan from her lips with a breath-stopping kiss.  
  
Still, he strums her, enough to keep her on the brink of the precipice but not enough to see her tipping in either direction. Her need for release brings her mind momentarily back to her body and she whispers against his lips:  
  
“Barry, please”  
  
It doesn’t take more than a long enough vibration to have her biting down on his lower lip as she’s overwhelmed by the force of her orgasm. He pulls his fingers out of her and slides his hand under her knees, cradling her to him. Still blank from her high, she barely notices that he’s sped them to their bedroom till she feels the mattress sinking beneath her weight.  
  
Iris manages enough strength to open up her eyes and see Barry striping down in the dark room. He takes his time, almost like he wants the moment to last or to give her time to recover and prepare her for what’s to come. The silver moonlight tattoos his body in shadows, making his naked form a more beautiful sight than usual. When her eyes land on his arousal they widen as her body springs back to life. He approaches and she eyes him with newfound hunger.  
  
The hunger of a soul who knows that this will be the last time.  
  
The last time he’ll behold her nude self with such a lust-filled gaze.  
  
The last time she’ll feel herself tighten around him.  
  
The last time he’ll fill her to the point where she’s ready to burst.  
  
The last time.  
  
**_I have to go._**  
  
He lowers himself on top of her, his eyes searching her face but she can’t decipher what for. Barry plants a kiss on her forehead, Iris rests her hands on his back.  
  
A kiss to the bridge of her nose follows, then each of her eyes, her cheeks and finally her lips. Each kiss is like a flutter, a silent confession of adoration. This time when his tongue coaxes hers out for a dance, she’s coherent enough to taste her sweetness on him. His knee pushes her thighs apart, making space for him between her legs. She willingly opens up for him again, the finality of the moment never lost on her.  
  
He grazes her sweet spot and she feels herself tremble with anticipation. This is it. The final step. The last act she needs to say farewell. Barry’s lips find the crook of her neck as he pushes into her, the feeling familiar yet somehow new to her.  
  
New, not because he feels any different but because she is no longer the same.  
  
She’s not the lovesick girlfriend from two years ago.  
  
She’s not the guilt-ridden wife with wounds to lick.  
  
She’s the mother-to-be with a life-changing game plan.  
  
Iris closes her eyes and lets herself be consumed by the moment. To frame the incident and hang it on the wall of her mind. Barry picks up speed and she gives in to all her senses. The sent of them. The taste of herself from his lips. The sound of their laboured breaths harmonising in the city silence. The feel of her walls wrapping around him so tightly it is almost like they don’t want to let go.  
  
And deep down, in a part of her that’s survived the carnage and the gore, she doesn’t want to. Deep down she’s still looking for the most minuscule of reasons to stay.  
  
_**I have to go. **_  
  
Comes the reminder, bleeping her into consciousness just as he thrusts into her one last time and unwinds in the midst of his own pleasure. He pours into her, warming her up with all the love she’s craved for the past two years.  
  
24 months.  
  
104 weeks.  
  
730 days.  
  
Filling her with the courage to embrace the heartache and let go.  
  
He pulls out of her and she waits for him to get out of bed to take his customary shower but he surprises her and lays down beside her. He pulls her to him and rests his hand gently on her stomach. The action has been much anticipated and under different circumstances might have made her heart skyrocket with hope.  
  
But it’s too late.  
  
Her mind has been made up.  
  
“I love you.” He whispers into her hair and somewhere in his voice she hears the words:  
  
_“Please don’t leave me."_  
  
“I love you too.” She replies sincerely because she knows that no matter what that will never change. Yet, within those three words, for the first time ever she hides another message:  
  
_**Goodbye.**_

* * *

Her mind is ticking like a time bomb.  
  
_Tick_  
  
He pulls her closer.  
  
_Tick_  
  
Another minute has gone by.  
  
_Tick_  
  
He’s breathing steadily.  
  
_Tick_  
  
She slips out of his embrace.  
  
After slipping on a t-shirt she had draped over a chair in the corner, soft as a mouse, Iris tiptoes her way to the guest bedroom leaving Barry to sleep snuggly against her pillow. Hopefully, her scent on the pillowcase will be enough to buy her some time before the lack of warmth snaps him out of it and he realises she’s no longer in his arms.  
  
No longer in his life.  
  
For the time being, she’s numb. Her heart beats calmly, her body is dry of perspiration, her throat is moist enough to scream. The only thing in her that races is her mind. Now that the time has come for her to take action, the fear stirs from its slumber in the dark recesses of her heart so her mind drowns it out with thoughts of freedom.  
  
Of holding her baby in her arms and knowing that he/she will be safe.  
  
Of apologising to her father and hearing him call her “baby girl” again.  
  
Of finally being able to push herself, career-wise without fears of the doors it may open and how he will feel about them.  
  
A chance to smile genuinely, without reservation, for the first time in years.  
  
Guided by a hope of a different kind she pulls down the handle of the door, gingerly and walks into the empty guest bedroom. There, stashed away in the closet, she finds her emergency duffle bag. The one she packed once she realised that some arguments would end in an overnight stay at STAR Labs. Its contents have changed with each visit and each return home and now they’ll be taking her away for good.  
  
No more changes.  
  
No coming back.  
  
She rummages through the closet for some decent clothing and comes up with a knee-length summer dress and some pumps. Her duffel bag offers her some underwear and a scrunchie.  
  
With her hair up, she smoothens the skirt of the navy blue dress down and rests her hands on her abdomen as she takes deep breaths.  
  
“It’s gonna be OK,” She whispers, rubbing her still flat tummy.  
  
“I-” She takes in a shaky breath.  
  
“Mommy’s got you.”  
  
Thanking her years of teenage sneaking out of the house, Iris exits the room quietly, without closing the door lest the click is enough to alert Barry to what she’s doing. She reaches the bottom of the stairs without so much as a creak and stairs at the door ahead.  
  
Another deep breath.  
  
A single step forward.  
  
Then the fireplace catches her eye in her peripheral and she stops. Her dream comes back to remind her that the weapon concealed in the little compartment is the only thing that might help her escape if he comes after her.  
  
And she has no doubt in her mind that he will.  
  
So Iris puts the duffel bag down and makes her way to the fireplace. Her heart begins to hammer in her chest as she removes the two bricks in the centre, careful to make as little noise as possible, and retrieves the gun from its hiding place. Despite its small size, it seems heavy in her hand. Weighed down by all the damage it can cause and the responsibility it has of keeping her safe.  
  
The first brick slides back into place without a hassle. The second slips from her grasp, stopping her heart as it crashes to the ground, the sound echoing throughout the loft.  
  
Iris closes her eyes and prays that the sudden disturbance went unnoticed but the sudden rush of air behind her warns her otherwise.  
  
“Iris?” his voice strikes her, but she can’t bring herself to turn around and look at him. She’s not brave enough to see the mask of betrayal that coated his voice obscuring his endearing features.  
  
She feels her heart stop as he takes in a sharp breath, the sound piercing through the night air and stabbing her in the gut. Then…  
  
Silence.  
  
For the second time tonight, she finds herself a blind member of his audience. Guessing and conspiring as to what his next move will be. In the stiff stillness between them, her mind roars.  
  
**Get out! **  
  
She hears the soft hum of lighting.  
  
_Tick-tick_  
  
**Get out!**  
  
It grows louder.  
  
_Tick-tick-tick-tick_  
  
**GET OUT!**  
  
BOOM!  
  
Iris feels the blow to the back of her head before her conscious mind has time to fully register his moving from the stairs. Dizzied by the assault she hunches forward and grabs on to the mantel for support. She grasps at what little shred of coherent consciousness she can but it’s hard under her current level of disorientation. She wasn’t prepared for the blow. She didn’t see it coming.  
  
Normally they’d argue, or he’d yell at her and she’d apologise repeatedly in hopes of appeasing his anger.  
  
Of pleading for mercy.  
  
The exchange would grow heated and she’d watch for cues. A twitch of his lips, a flash of lightning in his stare, a throbbing of the vein at his neck. Then she’d prepare herself. She’d mentally shut down, locking all her thoughts away for safekeeping and let herself be swept under by the pain.  
  
But this time she had no warning.  
  
Blinded by his apparent change in character and shielded by her hope at a normal life, a happy life, she didn’t anticipate his attack. Now her thoughts ran rampant in her throbbing head. A swirling mess of picturesque memories and broken dreams.  
  
“Why Iris? Why?” he asks as his arms wrap around her like a steel trap. For a second she thinks she hears a hint of pain in his question but the throbbing spot in the back of her head doesn’t allow her much clarity of thought. It pounds, pounds, pounds against her skull. A fist-sized drum stick that drums a steady beat through her brain.  
  
“Barry,” is all she manages to apologetically whimper out.  
  
“You can’t leave me, Iris. I need you. I love you. Please.” he begs again, the gentleness of his tone contrasting starkly with the crushing intent of his vice hold on her. He lifts her slightly off the ground and she can suddenly feel the heat of his breath on the back of her neck.  
  
“Let me go, Barry. Please, let me go.” She pleads, the pain conjuring tears to sting her eyes but for the first time ever she refuses to shed them.  
  
She won’t let him win. Not this time.  
  
Her determination bubbles through her and rises to her throat where she belts it out with a fearless:  
  
“LET ME GO!”  
  
In the heat of the moment, her head swings back and she feels bones crushing on impact. The comeback worsens her dizzied state but its enough to win her a few moments of reprieve from his arms of steel as the shock slackens his hold on her.  
  
But her victory is short-lived.  
  
Before she can fully regain her breath the air is ripped out of her as he sends her flying across the room. Her back hits the wall with a painful thud and just as she’s about to crumble to the ground he’s suddenly standing in front of her with his fingers curled around her neck. He hoists her up against the wall and she claws at his hand, struggling for breath.  
  
He’s close enough that even in the darkness, she can see the smear of blood below his seconds-ago broken nose and when she looks into his eyes a chill freezes her insides.  
  
The light she saw in his eyes this morning is gone, completely obscured by a baffling rage but what strikes her most isn’t the brazen anger that flares in his dilated pupils. What takes her aback and makes her heart constrict is the hidden betrayal and hurt that’s made a home behind his anger. That pain that seems to be causing his outbreaks.  
  
A pain she seems to be the cause of.  
  
Iris feels her limbs begin to shut down as she closes in on herself, an automatic reflex that’s been fine-tuned with each assault. The strength begins to seep out of her with each ragged breath and the harder she seems to fight, the weaker she gets.  
  
Then Barry’s fingers, on his free hand, accidentally graze her stomach on their way up to worsen the grip on her throat.  
  
The touch ignites her from the inside, activating a primal instinct she didn’t know she possessed.  
  
The need to protect.  
  
Despite his hands still pinning her to the wall and choking the life out of her, Iris finds the strength to grab his head and press her thumbs into his eyelids that came down reflexively in a feeble attempt at blocking her sudden attack.  
  
He stumbles back, howling in pain and his hands fly to his face in an attempt to rub out the burn. Driven by an inner force, she dashes for the gun that she dropped when he sent her flying across the room and aims it up at him.  
  
Then the world around her seems to slow down.  
  
Her finger twitches on the trigger.  
  
A drop of sweat drips down the side of her face.  
  
Barry turns around ready to pounce.  
  
She fires.  
  
The ice blast hits his bare abs and slowly, like a wall climbing weed, it consumes every part of his body. His scream is snuffed out like a candle in the wind as his face becomes part of the ice sculpture that now represents Barry Allen.  
  
The man she loves.  
  
Her finger eases off the trigger and she grabs her duffel bag and rushes out of the door, never stopping, not even for a final glimpse of him. Iris shuts the door with a frame rattling bang and hurriedly locks it.  
  
Then she simply stands there and stares.  
  
She’s done it.  
  
Her trembling hands rattle the keys, the sound echoing down the long and empty hallway. Though she knows that time is not on her side and that Barry will soon break free of the icy prison she’s trapped him in, something inside her is shifting and she can’t bring herself to move. The adrenaline is leaving her body and leaving behind a space for her to realise what she’s done.  
  
She’s taken the first step towards freedom.  
  
Yet, inexplicably what she feels is not a sense of relief but rather an overwhelming paranoia. The prospect of stepping away from the apartment and being alone proves to be an unnerving thought. Loneliness left space for her ghosts to pay her a visit and the back of her mind is like a graveyard.  
  
Each room in this place, each silent wall, each appliance and utensil has at some point witnessed her pain but walking out of there alone means opening herself up to all she’s been trying to forget. Now what she has to fear is not physical abuse but rather the emotional scars that have never quite healed. The memories that she pushed down and never actually dealt with.  
  
The realisation that this is no longer home.  
  
Iris swallows the lump in her throat and she drops her hand to her side. She has no idea where to go but she knows one thing for certain: She can’t be alone. What she needs is shelter, safety and warmth. She needs home.  
  
She steps away from the door, looking at it as if she’s expecting it to open and drag her back into her worst nightmare. Her need for survival kicks in, once again, and she takes off running, all the while she tells herself not to look back. The shadows are behind her and they’ll take her if she lets them. On the lift, she closes her eyes and counts her breaths as the doors slowly shut and she begins her descent.  
  
Almost there.  
  
She’s almost out. Her bag is in her hand and she squeezes the straps tight, holding on for dear life. The elevator dings and the doors open up to reveal the silent garage. Nothing there but row after row of cooling motor vehicles witnessing her grand escape.  
  
Her life-changing moment.  
  
Iris ducks into the car without hesitation, flinging her bag into the passenger’s seat and drives away. In her mind, she has no conscious knowledge of where she’s going but in her heart, she knows there’s only one place for her to be.  
  
The calm nature of the cul-de-sac washes over her in a wave of déjà vu. Such happy memories, such yearned for times. She stops the car in front of her childhood home, the warm glow that radiates from it seeming painfully inviting. Iris feels the sting of fresh tears in her eyes but she reprimands herself, she doesn’t deserve to cry. Not after how much she’s hurt her father. Not after she snubbed the love she now desperately needs. She doesn’t expect him to forgive her, she doesn’t expect him to want to see her, but she has to try. For the sake of her sanity, she has to try. She needs at least one source of security. She owes that to herself and to her unborn child.  
  
Gathering whatever strength she can muster, Iris gets out of the car and walks up to the door. She hesitates with her hand in the air, taking a deep breath before knocking twice. There’s no turning back now. The door opens and her father’s wide eyes take her in. She promised herself that she wouldn’t cry but at the sight of the face that for so long was her anchor she can’t keep it together.  
  
“Dad,” she breathes out as the tears stream down her face, at last. Joe blinks, his own surprised eyes glossing over with emotion. He pulls her into his arms and she hears a relived chuckle shake through his chest.  
  
“My baby girl,” he whispers and she feels the words rush out of him and warm her heart with a loving glow. In his voice, she hears disbelief, almost as if he doesn’t believe she’s actually there. Her father’s hand caresses the still tender spot at the back of her head, easing away the pain and he plants a kiss on her forehead as he holds her tighter. Iris lets her tears fall, finally feeling safe enough to be completely vulnerable. To let her guard down and know that someone else will hold her together. Here, in her father’s arms, she’s home at last.  
  
Yet something still doesn’t feel right.  
  
A tugging at her heart disconcerts her and suddenly she feels the strange sensation of liquid dripping down her legs. Fighting off a sudden wave of panic, Iris pushes out of her father’s comforting embrace, alarmed and looks down.  
  
A single red drop marks its way down her leg.  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I'll say is expect surprises. 🤐
> 
> And please don't hate me. 🙏🏾
> 
> Cliffhanger warnings apply ❤️ 
> 
> XOXO   
💜😘

* * *

Darkness.

That’s all Iris sees as her unconscious swallows her like a wave of black. Her emotions explode in her heart.

Fear.

Regret.

Anxiety.

Panic.

Weakness.

Exhaustion.

Her body collapses and she feels herself fall into nothingness.

“Hang in there baby girl,” she hears her father plead but his voice sounds distant. She manages to maintain a wisp of coherence long enough to silently pray:

_Stay with me baby. Stay with me, please. _

…

Her eyes flutter open slowly and for a second, as her mind starts up, she feels completely numb. Then, it starts off like a tiny pin prick in her back, the pain. Her scream builds up inside her, growing as each muscle in her body vibrates in waves of pure agony.

As a jack hammer has its way on the inside of her skull.

As her bones seem to crack with the smallest of movements. Then her hands move to her stomach and her heart stops.

She screams.

Caitlin, Cisco and Joe come rushing in, each of their faces painted with worry.

“Iris! Iris baby calm down!” Her father tries as he slumps down beside her and pulls her into his arms. She shakes him off violently, clutching her arms around her midriff tightly, almost like she’s trying to curl into herself. To eradicate the feeling that pushed the hysterical scream out of her once and for all.

The feeling of emptiness.

Iris screams louder, unable to stop herself. Unable to hold her suffering in any longer. Then she runs out of breath and in the split second that it takes for her to inhale her eyes lock with her father’s and the message in his tears confirms her worst fears. Not wanting to believe it she turns to Caitlin who’s eyes meet hers with a glint of pity. The good doctor mouths out the words:   
“I’m so sorry,” and Iris feels her heart drop through the floor.

Her baby is gone.

The scream dies out, drowned by the wave of grief that takes her under. Her body rattles with sobs and this time she doesn’t pull away when Joe holds her to him.

“My baby, my – my baby.” She trembles out with each hiccup and Joe’s hand caresses the spot at the back of her head that now serves as a reminder of what used to be. What could have been.

“Shh,” is all he manages to say as he plants a kiss on the top of her head and rocks her gently, just like he used to do when she was a little girl with night terrors. But nothing in her most horrifying of dreams could have prepared her for this.

No three eyed monster or headless ghost could compare to the pain coursing through her bruised body with each shaky heartbeat. The agony of losing your will to live. Of having your life ripped away from you so suddenly, so cruelly. Of knowing that one second, one brick falling on the floor, cost you your reason for soldiering on.

“I should have waited till he left. I – I shouldn’t have gone back for the freeze ray. I should have just run and kept going. I should have been smarter about this…”

_I shouldn’t have left him._

The thought eradicates her breath and stops her heart with the same precision mastered by death. And in a way it is a death. The death of the person she used to be. The death of the person she wanted to be.

The rise of a purposeless stranger inside her.

“Can I have a minute alone please?” She sniffles, her eyes staring blankly at the sheets.

“Iris. Are you sure?” Her father asks, retreating from their hug enough to search her expressionless face, but not letting go. He can’t let go. He’s too afraid to let go.

Iris nods her head then whispers:

“Please. I just need a minute to-to say goodbye.”

She can barely get the words out of her and the thought of having to let go of her baby before getting the chance to hold him/her kills something deep inside her soul. Joe nods sadly and holds her for a beat longer, pressing a kiss to the side of her head and reluctantly letting go.

“We’ll be outside if you need us,” Joe says at the door before he follows Caitlin and Cisco out, leaving Iris to her grieving.

Alone, Iris slips her hands under the S.T.A.R. Labs sweater she was put in and presses the palms of her hands to her stomach.

_I did this to you. _

The thought plays out as a whisper in her head and when it echoes her heart breaks as she realises that she’s psychically speaking to nothingness. She closes her eyes and moves her hands back and forth against her now lifeless abdomen.

Her brow furrows with the weight of her guilt.

The corners of her lip twitch with the promise of a mental break down.

Her breaths come out shaky, interrupted by her broken heart beat.

Then come the tears.

_This is all my fault! I killed my baby. I killed my baby. _

She screams in her mind as her face twists with raw regret. Iris feels her throat close up and suddenly she finds herself back in the moment it all went wrong.

Flashes of the brawl blink vividly through her mind as her body responds to the memory. Her cheek burns in the imprint of his large hand. The spot at the back of her head pounds with even more vigour. Her breaths scrape out of her narrowing air ways in morbid gasps. Her back stings from the impact with the wall. Her legs feel the invisible droplets of blood that dripped away her baby’s life. And the soundtrack to her agony is a single self-hating thought:

_It’s all my fault. _

She relives her torment over and over again. Trapped in a sadistic groundhog day created by her own panic. Then a tiny prick on her arm starts to bring her back into herself. A fiery sensation consumes the arm that’s been pricked and the horror movie in her mind starts to blur as her thoughts muddle together.

Iris feels her body fall onto something soft and her eyelids grow heavy. As they droop closed her aching limbs curl into themselves till she’s nothing more than a tight ball of flesh and clothes. Just before her subconscious takes back control of the wheel she hears the whisper fade away:

_It’s all my fault._

* * *

When she wakes her limbs are stiff from being curled into the foetal position and her cheeks are damp with tears. She stretches, slowly, her poor muscles shaking with relief. Iris turns on her back and looks around. Her eyes take a while to adjust and the room around her is wavy in her drug hazed mind but it soon comes into focus. She looks around, feeling lifeless and drained.

Numb from the inside out.

Then her eyes land on the sleeping figure a few steps away from her and the blood in her veins begins to freeze over. He moves in his sleep, searching for comfort and an unparalleled rage begins to simmer under her skin.

How can he sleep in a time like this?

How can he look so content with himself, so carefree after what he did?

After killing her baby.

Adrenaline thaws her blood and reactivates her body, every inch of her screaming with a vengeful purpose as she leaps off the bed. Her bare feet land soundlessly on the floor and she moves towards a small, steel table that carries surgical apparatus. Iris grabs hold of a scalpel and creeps her way towards him. She can feel her pulse throbbing in her ears with each careful step. Her brow is furrowed with focus and as soon as she’s close enough to feel the heat radiating from his body she speeds up her movements and holds the sharp end of the tiny knife to his throat, right at the vein she once seductively caressed with her lips.

His eyelids fly open, the shade of green in his eyes bright with surprise.

“Iris-”

“Don’t!” She cuts him off.

“Don’t say a single word or I swear to God I will kill you!” She threatens, pressing the knife further against his skin to get her point across.

“Iris what are you doing!” Her father’s voice gasps from the door way.

“Dad stay back!” She warns, her eyes never leaving Barry’s that have now returned to their usual cold stare.

“It’s OK Joe, she’s just a little confused.” Barry says sweetly, his façade in full effect.

“I told you to shut up!” Iris exclaims.

“Calm down babe, let’s t-”

At the sound of the pet name Iris slashes his throat with an enraged scream but Barry uses his speed to move out of the way so she doesn’t hit anything vital.

“Iris!” her father screams as he and Cisco pull her away from a bleeding Barry. In the blink of an eye the shallow cut begins to heal and Iris struggles to get free.

“Let go of me!” She yells closing her eyes against the tears of frustration welling up in them.

“Baby girl you need to _calm down_!” Joe yells, his voice laced with fear.

“Iris, please! Your body’s been through enough! Think about the babies!” Caitlin yells and Iris stills like a person who’s just been exorcised.

“B-babies?” She repeats, confusion clear in her tone.

Caitlin manages a smile on her shock ridden face and nods.

“Congratulations mommy, you’re having twins.” She announces, misunderstanding Iris’s shock. The mom-to-be blinks, her mouth hanging open. Her captors loosen their restraints on her arms and she quickly flattens her hands against her stomach, relief flooding her and leaving her weak. She sinks to her knees, still confused, but with a happiness unlike any she’s felt before bursting like fireworks in her chest.

“Twins,” she sobs out, the sound a cross between a cry and a chuckle.

“Twins,” Barry echoes while taking a step towards her. The little bubble of safety she created just seconds ago pops and she points the weapon at him.

“Don’t come any closer.” She hisses and he takes a step back.

“Caitlin get Barry away from here.” Joe asks, his tone suggesting that Iris is the danger and her heart breaks a little at the sound of it.

“Come on Flash, let’s get you cleaned up.” Caitlin says softly and Barry gives Iris one last hurt look for show before he let’s Caitlin lead him out. As soon as they’re out of ear shot Iris drops the knife and collapses against her father’s chest, crying out in relief. He rubs her back soothingly and with her head buried in his sweater Iris misses the look of concern exchanged by the two gentlemen.

“Come on baby girl, let’s get you up.” Joe whispers and he helps her stand, Iris’s face never leaves his chest and her tears seem like they’ll never dry.

She’s crying out the fear she felt of losing her babies. The grief that ate at her heart in what she’s now assuming was a dream. The happiness of finding out that they’re OK, that they’re a they! The paralysing terror of having Barry so close to them again that her bad dream might actually come true.

“Iris baby, talk to me. What’s going on? Why did you attack Barry?” Joe asks once her sobs begin to subside. Cisco offers her a tissue as she pulls away from her father’s embrace, struggling to contain her hiccupped breaths.

“I don’t know where to start.” She says, her voice raspy from crying and exhaustion.

“From the beginning usually works.” Cisco jokes sadly, trying to lighten the mood. A teary chuckle escapes her lips but it’s short lived.

“I need help.” She admits, for the very first time and somehow saying it out loud makes her realise just how true the statement is.

“I-I-” She tries to string together a sentence but all the emotions flooding through her make that nearly impossible.

“Shh, it’s OK Iris. You don’t have to say anything else.” Her father coos, pulling her towards him. She sighs out relieved, but a horrifying thought cuts that sigh short.

“You know?” She asks, her shame making her chest tighten.

“I do,” her father breathes out and she can hear in his voice that he’s trying to hold he’s own tears at bay.

“We all do.” Caitlin adds as she steps inside drawing everyone’s attention.

“Don’t worry, I told Barry to head home. He was reluctant at first but he gave in eventually.” She appeases Iris’s heart. If only a little.

“What do you mean you all know? When did you find out?” Iris asks, trying to shuffle through her memories for a time she might have slipped up and coming up blank.

“A little after Christmas and-”

“Caitlin stop,” Joe cuts her short and Iris throws him a questioning glance.

“You don’t need to worry about that now, all you need to know is that we know and that we’re going to get you all the help you need.” He assures her.

“Get me all the help I need?” Iris’s brow furrows.

“Why does it sound like you’re offering to take me to therapy?”

The three exchange concerned glances and Iris gets off the bed, her frustration making her restless.

“What are you guys not telling me?” She asks, suddenly feeling as alone as she does with Barry by her side.

“Baby girl-”

“No dad, I want to know.” She puts her foot down and Joe sighs as he rubs his head.

“We know about your depression Iris. Barry told us everything.” Cisco confesses then quickly adds:

“But don’t get mad at him, he’s just concerned about you.”

Iris can’t believe her ears.

_Depression? _

“I’m not depressed!” She shouts incredulous and her father stands up, holding his arms in front of him as if Iris is a wild horse he’s trying to tame.

“Now baby girl calm down, remember what Caitlin said, you need to take it easy.”

“Yeah Iris, this kind of stress is really bad for the babies. Especially after what you did today.” Caitlin explains in the least accusatory tone she can muster.

“What _I_ did?!” Iris shouts out in indignation, her heart racing in her chest.

“I didn’t do anything! I was just trying to do what’s best for my babies!” She defends herself despite the pin prick of guilt at the bottom of her heart.

“That’s enough Iris! You need to stop this! These delusions of yours are going to get you killed! You’re sick baby girl, we all know that but unless you come to terms with it, unless you admit that to yourself there isn’t a doctor in this world who can save you!” Joe scolds in hopes of giving her a reality check and her vision blurs as she gets overwhelmed.

“I’m not delusional and I’m not depressed. I didn’t try to hurt my babies. Please, you have to believe me.” She cries, clutching her abdomen to keep from shaking.

“Iris,” her father’s voice softens but the note of pity she detects in it kills her.

“Dad please.” She implores.

“I don’t know what Barry told you but it’s a lie. It’s all a lie. He’s just trying to cover up for the fact that-that-” her mind hits a blank and she can’t find the words to say it.

“That what baby girl?”

She closes her eyes and gathers every shred of confidence she can find scattered with in herself but when she opens her eyes again and sees them watching her expectantly her courage melts away and she turns her back to them, burying her face in her hands and sobbing helplessly.

“Hey, it’s OK Iris,” Cisco tries to comfort her and plants a carrying hand on her shoulder.

“Whatever it is you can t-” he stops short and seconds later he pulls his hand from her as if she were on fire. Iris looks at him and when her eyes lock with his the horror and disbelief she sees is enough to tell her that he vibed her. That he knows the truth.

“No.” He gasps, his eyes growing glossy and Iris simply offers him a sad nod in confirmation.

“What is it Cisco?” Joe asks worried and Cisco looks at him with the blank expression of a person trying to process information.

“It’s Barry, he-” Cisco looks at Iris again then bends over, resting his hands on his knees.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” he says. Iris approaches him and lays a hand on his back, trying her best to offer him a smile that lets him know it’s OK. Cisco straightens back up and pulls her in for a hug.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers into her hair, holding her tightly, almost like if he squeezes her hard enough he can make her pain go away.

“I’m so, so sorry,” he repeats and Iris closes her eyes as the weight on her shoulders lifts slightly because now she doesn’t have to carry it alone.

“OK what’s going on?” Joe asks, clearly growing impatient and Iris breaks away from Cisco to face the other two people in the room. She takes a deep breath and Cisco squeezes her hand, his knowing giving her the strength she needs to share her story.

Her truth.

“I didn’t hurt my babies, or myself. Barry did.” She says cautiously and that last part rushes out of her barely above a whisper.

“What?” Joe asks and from the look on his face she can see that the thought is as incomprehensible to him as it was for her the first time Barry laid his hands on her.

“Barry hit me.” She says a little louder.

“Over and over again. For the past two years,” she explains and her father sinks back down on the bed, eyeing her with wide eyes that refuse to accept this as the truth. She feels herself grow emotional again and tries to keep her voice steady.

“That first Christmas…” She breathes.

“When you came by the house, we’d had an argument. I don’t even remember what started it but it got heated and I got beat down pretty bad…” She exhaled loudly, blinking back the tears.

“So-” her voice broke.

“When you came by the house I was all bruised and bloody and… I couldn’t let you see me that way so I did what I could to push you away,” Iris walked over to her father and sank to her knees in front of him, pleading his forgiveness.

“I didn’t mean any of it dad, I’m so sorry,” she sobs and a single tear escapes Joe’s shell shocked eyes. He simply looks down at her and Iris would give anything to know what’s going through his mind right now.   
“So the bruise on your back-?” Caitlin starts and Iris pieces it together for her.   
“He threw me against a wall.” Iris wipes her tears and stands back up, hugging her arms to herself.

“When I found out I was pregnant I knew I had to get away so I waited till he fell asleep to make my exit. But he caught me and… well I’m sure you can piece together the rest.” She stops herself, not wanting to relive the moment. Caitlin reaches for a chair and flops onto it, her mouth covered by her hand, her disbelieving eyes tearing up.

“That’s the truth. That’s the reason why I’ve had so many bruises and scrapes along the years, why I’ve been so secluded and avoiding everyone and everything. I didn’t want to you all getting involved and… and getting hurt.” Her pitch rises as she wells up again and both Cisco and Caitlin walk to her and cocoon her in a group hug. Iris let’s herself cry then and each tear she sheds leaves her lighter in the wake of her confession. She feels stronger, part of an army, part of a family again.

She’s not alone.

She opens her eyes to find her father rising from the bed with his jaw locked and his expression ice cold.

“Dad, where are you going?” She asks as the three of them end their huddle up and turn their attention on to Joe.

“I’m going to kill the bastard!” Joe exclaims between gritted teeth as he grabs a gun from a table in the cortex and walks out.

His every step heavy with determination.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. 
> 
> I'm so sorry this took me almost a month to finish. Not that it's a particularly long chapter I've just had a billion and one things on my plate.
> 
> On that note, thank you all for your patience, consideration and care with me it really warms my heart.
> 
> All I can say about this chapter is, expect confusion.
> 
> Hope yall enjoy the flash tonight shippers! Have a good one.
> 
> P. S. I will get to answering your comments throw out this week, again I'm so so sorry.
> 
> XOXO

“Dad wait!” Iris screams as she, Caitlin and Cisco both rush off after him.   
  
“Dad!” she screams again as worst case scenarios play out in her mind and each one makes her heart beat a little faster till it’s practically bursting out of her chest.   
  
“Mark my words, Barry Allen is a dead man!” Joe screams, his steps never faltering as he walks down the corridor towards the elevator.   
  
“Dad please listen to me or _you’ll_ be a dead man!” Iris pleads, the stress makes her dizzy and she presses her hand to the corridor walls in order to hold herself up. She closes her eyes and hangs her head taking deep breaths.   
  
“Iris!” Cisco yells alarmed and at that Joe turns around.   
  
“That’s it deep breaths,” Caitlin encourages as she places a hand on Iris’s bent back and arm to provide a little more support.   
  
“Are you alright baby girl?” Joe asks as he approaches, shedding his mask of anger to accommodate one of concern.   
  
“I’m alright, just dizzy.” Iris admits.   
  
“We should get you off your feet,” Caitlin suggests softy and Iris nods. As soon as she leans away from the wall Cisco takes a place beside her, draping her arm around his neck to offer her some support. They walk back towards the med bay with slow steps. Her mind clearing with each breath.   
  
“You really should rest right now, your body’s been through an enormous amount of stress.” Caitlin cautions as Iris lays back on the bed and places her hands over her stomach. An action that’s slowly becoming a protective reflex to her, second nature.   
  
“If this were a normal pregnancy-”   
  
Iris’s eyes shoot open and she turns her head to face Caitlin as she elevates her body, slightly.   
  
“What do you mean ‘_if_ this wear a normal pregnancy’?” she asks.   
  
“Iris, You’re almost six weeks pregnant and some of the…the- um- scarring on your body seems relatively fresh.” Caitlin seems uncomfortable as she speaks, and if it weren’t for her worry, the pity in the doctor’s eyes might have crushed Iris’s spirit.   
  
“With the gravity of the injuries your body’s endured – under normal circumstances you would have miscarried.”   
  
“Wait. Are you saying that, my babies-”   
  
“I’m not certain but all the evidence suggests that they’re metas, yes. Speedsters most likely.”   
  
Iris lets her head fall back onto the pillow with her eyes wide as she processes the information. Her children’s meta-nature shouldn’t come as a surprise to her. After all, before her life became the mess that it currently is, she and Barry had spoken about it...   
  
_“__**Now**__ can we call it a night?” she asked breathless as he laid down beside her and chuckled. _  
  
_“Seriously Bare. I missed you too but if we go one more round I might not get out of bed tomorrow.” She said, turning her head towards him and finding him already staring at her with a love sick grin on his face. She smiled and her stomach flipped. The best part about coming back home after a week chasing a lead in another city was precisely this. The extra attention she got from him. Despite her complaining she knew that if he touched her just the right way (which he always did) she’d be ready and moaning in no time. Barry planted a soft kiss on her cheek and said: _  
  
_“Maybe that’s been my plan all along.” _  
  
_Iris squinted her eyes at him and he grinned with a devious sparkle in his eyes. _  
  
_“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re trying to get me pregnant,” she teased as she turned on her side to face him. He followed suit, letting his hand glide down her arm. _  
  
_“Not yet, but there’s no harm in practicing right?” he winked and she shook her head. _  
  
_“Unbelievable,” she said. _  
  
_“What? You can’t deny that baby making is fun, but don’t worry, I have every intention of making a decent woman out of you before giving you two beautiful little speedsters.” He promised and sealed the deal with a peck. _  
  
_“First of all, if this is your idea of a proposal you’ll be coming home to an empty house tomorrow Bartholomew,” she joked, knowing full well that if he unearthed a engagement ring that second she’d say yes without a second thought. _  
  
_“Guess I’m gonna have to go with plan B then. Do you think it’s a good idea to get doves in the winter?” he pretended to think and she shoved his chest playfully. _  
  
_“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. What’s second of all?” he asked holding onto her hand before she could pull it away. _  
  
_“You better be and second of all, speedsters?” she asked, raising her brow. _  
  
_“Yeah. Your beauty and brains, my heart and meta-gene. The best of us both, all wrapped up into two little bundles of cuteness.” He described, interlocking his fingers in hers before bringing the back of her hand to his lips. _  
  
_“And you’re certain we’re stopping at two?” she asks. _  
  
_“Positive. Unless you want more that is, then I’ll be more than happy to oblige,” he wiggled his eyebrows and she laughed. _  
  
_“No, two is fine by me,” _  
  
_“Good. Cause I think a two speedster game of tag is as much rushing air as our back yard will be able to take.” _  
  
_“A backyard? We’re moving?” she asked surprised. _  
  
_“Wouldn’t you think it best? I mean some of my favourite child hood memories happened in Joe’s back yard. I want our kids to make some of their own. To a have a little piece of heaven that feels big enough to be their entire world. I’ll build them a tree house, we can have Sunday dinners outside and make Christmas snow angels.” His eyes sparkled as he spoke about their future, and in them she saw the rest of her life. _  
  
_“You’ve really thought this through haven’t you?” she asked and he blushed. _  
  
_“I’ve had this planned out since we were ten.” He admitted with a soft chuckle, his eyes falling to their joint hands, his confession making her heart swell in her chest. _  
  
_“So is that why you were obsessed with superhero’s at ten? Cause you knew you were gonna be one?” she teased. _  
  
_“What? No! I just-” _  
  
_Iris silenced his babble with a heated kiss cause nothing turned her on faster than a flustered Barry Allen. _  
  
_“One more round?” she asked when they came up for air and after that kiss it was all Barry could do to nod_.   
  
“Iris, are you alright?” Caitlin’s worry-filled voice brings her back from her memories and Iris blinks, realising that she’s crying.   
  
“Yeah,” she sniffles though nothing is further from the truth. During her trip down memory lane, she’s come to the realisation that her future won’t be complete without him. Her life won’t be complete without him. She can’t raise two speedsters on her own. She caresses her tummy through the fabric.   
  
Actually she can.   
  
But she doesn’t want to.   
  
She doesn’t want to feel incomplete for the rest of her life because the truth is despite her children becoming the sun her world revolves around, Barry is her world. She can’t fool herself into pretending that she’ll ever be truly complete without him. She can’t walk away from a love like theirs. She can’t give up on him. Not again. Not when she left him in there to become the monster he is now.   
  
No.   
  
This time she’s going to fight for him. She’s going to bring him back home to her - to them. All of him.   
  
She’ll be his lightning rod.   
  
Her determination to save her husband reminds her of her father’s equal resolve to kill him. Looking around the room, she notices that his parental presence is missing.   
  
“Guys,” she swallows down the dread rising in her throat.   
  
“Where’s my dad?”   
  
  
There’s a chaos in the silence. The stillness of the apartment is so profound and yet with every suffocating second that passes you feel the invisible noise grow louder. She isn’t here and her absence is your death. Your heart isn’t beating and you have to remind yourself to breathe.   
  
Iris   
  
Your mind shouts. Over and over again. Like a chant meant to summon her to you. To bring her back so that you’re whole again. To bring back your strength. She’s your strength. She’s your world. She’s your everything. She isn’t here.   
  
Iris!   
  
You want to pace away your fear, but you’re weak without her. You want to scream out your frustration, but your voice is with her. So you simply lie on the couch, wrapped in a blanket of darkness. Reminding yourself to breathe in and out.   
  
In and Out.   
  
In and Out.   
  
She’s not coming back to you.   
  
The thought stops your concentrated breathing and gives your body an adrenaline based start. You shoot up and press your head between your hands, your brows furrow as you howl like a wounded animal.   
  
“Stop it!” you scream finally shattering the silence and you can, suddenly, hear everything. The still dripping faucet. The never slowing clock. The buzz of the city bellow. Your neighbours banging on the walls. A cat crying at the moon. Yet the loudest sound of all is the absence of her breath. Of her voice.   
  
You lost her.   
  
“Shut up! Shut up!” you yell, shaking your head violently in an attempt to knock the voices out. You won’t lose her. Not again. You can’t lose her.   
  
The loud sound of the door being blasted to smithereens startles you out of your paranoia and you rush to the door. Right into Joe’s range of fire.   
  
“Joe!” you exclaim surprised, your hands going up as a reflex.   
  
“It’s Joseph to you, you son of a bitch!” Joe corrects, his grip on the gun never loosening.   
  
“What? Where is this all coming from? Where’s Iris?” You ask, noticing that Joe is alone.   
  
“Nowhere near you and that’s how things are gonna be from now on if I have anything to say about it.”   
  
Your mouth runs dry.   
  
Your pupils dilate as the threat sinks into your brain and your body is instantly flooded with adrenaline.   
  
He’s going to take her away.   
  
Joe shoots and your cells vibrate as you go into flashtime, the red beam stretching towards you at a lazy snail’s pace.   
  
You won’t let him take her.   
  
Your heart sings in your ears as you rush towards the man you once deemed a father with nothing but anger flowing through your veins.   
  
Anger fed by fear.   
  
Your heart second guesses but your mind is determined.   
  
The beam hits the opposite wall, redecorating it with a melon sized hole that’s framed by spirals of black soot.   
  
You struggle to breathe as your heart tries to rip out of you.   
  
The weapon clatters to the floor and you pin Joe against the wall, your forearm crushing his throat.   
  
“Joe please! I don’t want to hurt you!” You plead, every strangled gasp that he breathes filling your heart with guilt. But you can’t let go. Not until he tells you where she is. Not until you know she’s coming back.   
  
Coming home to you.   
  
Your eyes bounce back between his, searching for the warmth he’d reserved just for you when he took you in. But it’s gone. All that’s left is a blinding anger, a gut wrenching disgust and the deepest betrayal you’ve ever seen reflected in a person’s eyes.   
  
And it’s all directed at you.   
  
For a second your mind plays tricks on you and those eyes become hers.   
  
She’s leaving you.   
  
Suddenly your weak.   
  
Suddenly you step back but Joe’s raspy breaths seem as distant as a dream.   
  
Suddenly you’re back in that hell hole, watching her walk away.   
  
Watching her get taken away.   
  
Losing her all over again.   
  
You heart breaks and your mind goes blank.   
  
Your body seems to move out of its own volition, and you simply watch yourself, letting your grief guide your movements.   
  
Knocking Joe out with a single punch.   
  
Watching as Vibe and Killer Frost jump out of a breach and try to stop you.   
  
Hurling them both against the wall.   
  
Feeling your body freeze over as Frosty tries to restrain you.   
  
Then comes a sting on your neck and slowly your senses start to dull out.   
  
Your body turns to mush and the last thing you see before you close your eyes is a bright light as you’re pulled through a breach.

****

  
An icy shiver rattles your bones as you slowly drift back into consciousness and feel the warmth creeping back into your frozen body. Your skin seems to burn from the feel of microscopic beads of iced sweat melting away and forming rivulets that puddle beneath you. Your breath comes out in foggy white puffs and all your muscles seem to have shrunken into themselves, frightened by the extreme decrease in temperature. It’s like going through hyperthermia but instead of slipping into a blissful state of unconsciousness and dying, you wake to feel every single sub-zero second.   
  
The warmth feels almost orgasmic as it returns to your chilled body in steady waves. At a painstaking, slow pace, You regain feeling in your fingers, toes and face then just as slowly the rest of you catches up. A little while later you manage to open your eyes, tearing up at the first sting of warm air on your partially iced eyeballs. You string your thoughts together into coherent memories, trying to make sense of how you got here.   
  
Hold on.   
  
Where exactly is here? You allow yourself to scan the room, taking in your unfamiliar surroundings. You’re confused and your mind is hazy, almost as if under the influence of some sort of drug.   
  
Drug.   
  
You feel a sting at your neck and the memory jumps out of you at once.   
Killer Frost freezing you, rendering you immobile then Vibe injecting something into you, knocking you out. They had gone prepared to bring you down. Sent there.   
  
Iris.   
  
Her name lights up in your brain like a neon sign begging for your attention.   
  
Where is Iris?   
  
Your foreign location forgotten, you stand and all at once realize a baffling truth. Your speed is gone. Your eyes widen and your heart races in your chest but the, previously, ever present rush of electricity punctuating each thud is no longer there. You feel naked and powerless and that scares you. You’re not accustomed to this state of vulnerability. Not anymore. Not after what happened. Not after she…   
  
“Iris!” her name rips out of you, a wild scream of torment. Where is she? Your heartbeat begins to ring in your ears as you begin to panic. Your vision blurs and you start to hyperventilate.   
  
Not again. Not again. Not again.   
  
“Iris! Where are you?!” You yell, your voice growing angrier.   
  
I’m not gonna lose her. She’s mine. She’s always been mine. I’m not gonna lose her.   
  
You play the mantra over and over again in your head, a trick you picked up to keep yourself sane. The walls start to close in on you. Your lungs seem to collapse. It’s hard to breathe. She’s your oxygen. How can you breathe without oxygen? Where is she?   
  
“Iris!”   
  
You hear a machine-like click and the ground beneath you trembles ever so slightly. The wall behind you opens up to reveal the pipeline and in the middle of it all stands your wife.   
  
“Iris,” you whisper her name like a sigh of relief.   
  
“Barry,” her voice washes over you like cold water on scorched skin and just like that your mind-set begins to switch. The paranoid fog in your mind begins to clear and with her here you’re finally able to slow your mind down.   
  
“Why am I in a cell?” you ask, your voice breathless, the unease of the situation enraging him.   
  
Get a grip Allen!   
  
You scold yourself. You can’t be uneasy. You can’t be uncomfortable. You’re a hero. You’re _her_ hero. You need to be brave and controlled. It’s the only way to keep her with you.   
  
To keep her safe.   
  
Yet the longer you stare at her through the glass – powerless, unable to touch her – the more your discomfort grows and the angrier you get at yourself.   
  
Your fists land on the glass with a roaring thud and Iris starts, clearly frightened. She won’t come closer. Not even with the reinforced glass between you both. In her eyes you see the twinkle of tears. Tears mean affection, emotion.   
  
Tears mean she’s still yours. She still cares. The thought is enough to make you breathe a little easier. You just need to talk to her. Show her how sorry you are.   
  
You watch quietly as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Gaining her courage. Her fear of you breaking your heart. Iris begins to approach, cautiously.   
Your own fear comes out to play at the sight of hers. The fear that she doesn’t love you anymore.   
  
No!   
  
As always you shut that voice out. She loves you. She’ll always love you.   
  
She’s yours!   
  
She stops and your heart sinks. Why won’t she come any closer? Why is she trembling? Why is she looking at you with those hurt eyes? Doesn’t she understand how much you love her? How scared you are of losing her? Has she forgotten what she means to you?   
  
The lack of answers frustrates you and you feel your blood begin to boil a new.   
  
“Answer me!” you demand causing her to shake yet again.   
  
She loves me.   
  
You reassure yourself.   
  
She’s not leaving.   
  
“Cause, I- I put you there,” she says shakily.   
  
Your heart skips a beat.   
  
“Iris, come on. If its about tonight I’m sorry just, please let me out. Let’s talk about this,” you plead.   
  
“Whatever you have to say to me it’s gonna have to be from behind that glass. And I don’t want an apology…” she breathes, trying to hold in her tears.   
  
“I want an explanation.”   
  
“Babe,” you coo but her face doesn’t soften. In fact the exact opposite happens. Her jaw locks and her eyes gain a spark of anger.   
  
“Iris! My name is Iris! You’ve always called me Iris!” She points out, her outburst taking you by surprise.   
  
“Or, at least _he_ always did.” She says and you feel your blood run cold. The thought of another man holding her, touching her, kissing her in that secret spot where her neck meets her shoulder, is enough to make you blank out.   
  
“Who is he!” you yell.   
  
“He’s the man I love. That I gave myself to, spiritually. Physically. Emotionally. The man who makes me feel whole. Who makes me feel like a woman in the best and worst ways. Who’s touch is as fiery as it is gentle.” Every word out of her mouth is like a dagger to your heart and it doesn’t take long before your anguish turns to hate.   
  
How dare she!   
How dare she take your heart for granted?   
How dare she betray you like that?   
  
“Who is he?!” you demand, slamming your fist on the glass once again but this time Iris holds her ground.   
  
“He used to be you,” she says, her eyes clouded with grief. Your heart rate slows.   
  
“Hey, I’m still here. I’m still me.” You say, your voice soft again despite your shock. You haven’t changed. Your love hasn’t changed. On the contrary, it only grew. Distance made your heart fonder. How can she not see that?   
  
“That’s bullshit and it scares me that you don’t see it. The Barry I knew would never lay a hand on a woman unless it were a life or death situation. But that’s exactly what you’ve been doing since you got back. Over and over again. Beating me down till I couldn’t tell my left from my right through the blood in my eyes. Using me like a sex doll made of cheap plastic that you can just chuck aside when you’re done.” Her words are punctuated by loud, breathy hiccups, her tears making an appearance down her face. She looks so small, so fragile. You want to hold her. Tell her your sorry. But the glass is still there. Still a barrier between you and her, making your anger grow. Her reddened eyes look up at you with the stare of a woman betrayed.   
  
“And today you didn’t just lay your hands on me,” she brings her hands to her stomach.   
  
“You could have hurt our babies. You could have killed them!” she screams the words out like the mere thought hurts her more than the physical pain you inflicted.   
  
“Iris, I’m sorry,” you try but she shakes her head.   
  
“I’ve had enough of your apologies to last me a multiverse of life times.” She says, her eyes trained on the wall to her left. Like she can’t stand the sight of you any longer.   
  
“I don’t want any more ‘I’m sorrys’,” she whispers.   
  
“What are you saying?” You ask, a hint of panic creeping into your voice. Iris steps forward, stopping a few feet away from the glass. She looks at you with sad eyes but in the depth of her heartache you see the low burn of hope’s fire. She still believes in you.   
  
“I’m saying that I love you Barry.” She whispers, her eyes searching yours but you don’t know what for. You’re not as connected to her as you once were. You realize that and it shames you but if there’s one thing you’ve learnt the hard way it’s that, that connection isn’t what’s important. What’s important is the fact that she’s with you. That she’ll always be with you.   
  
“I love you so much.” Your heart inflates with her declaration. You knew it. You knew that she still loves you.   
  
“But I can’t live like this anymore.” She confesses triggering an alarm within you.   
  
“I can’t keep giving myself false hope when deep down I know the truth and the truth is I might love you but, you Barry. You don’t love me anymore.”   
  
“Babe I-“   
  
“Don’t call me that! I’ve already told you my name is Iris! Why can’t you say my name Barry? When did the sound of my name on your voice start making me shiver in fear? Have you even noticed? Have you noticed how much you’ve taken away from me? How you’ve sucked the glow out of my smile? You used to be my only reason for living Barry. You used to be my smile. Why did you change? What happened to you? What took you away from me?” the tears still stain her beautiful face and you feel your heart skip a beat. You don’t understand what’s happening. She’s never spoken to you this way. Are you losing her?   
  
No, you can’t be.   
  
“Ba- Iris. I’m still here,”   
  
“You are,” she sniffles.   
  
“But you’re not my Barry. You’re not the Barry I fell in love with. You’re not the Barry I grew up with. The Barry who held me when I cried and faced the world for me. The Barry who made me feel like I was worth every star in the universe. _That’s_ my Barry and you’re not him.” She pauses and stares at you, the hope in her eyes never losing its glow.   
  
“But you will be,” she says finally after a brief silence. You’re confused and shocked speechless so you simply watch as the hatch begins to close and Iris steps back.   
  
“Iris wait!” you scream, but the wall between you both keeps on growing.   
  
“I’ll bring you back. I promise.” She says and that’s the last thing you hear before you lose sight of her.   
  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long awaited but finally here!! One of my longest chapters ever and I hope you enjoy it.   
I'll let this one speak for itself. 
> 
> Cliffhanger warnings apply!!!!
> 
> XOXO

* * *

Day 1

“Barry? Talk to me please. What happened to you in there?”

Silence.

Sigh.

* * *

She’s starving.

It’s three in the morning and Iris can’t sleep because her stomach is working itself into a black hole, eating her from the inside out.

_They’re not kidding when they say you’re eating for two, well three in this case. _

She thinks with an inside chuckle as she slips out of bed and makes her way downstairs for a snack. Iris tries to keep her steps as light as possible so as not to wake the rest of the house. It’s been a week since they… put Barry away… but everyone is still on high alert, and with good reason. They’ve all seen him break free of the pipeline before. All he needs is a strong enough motive and hatred is as strong an emotion as love. Recent events have made her wonder if maybe it’s not a stronger one.

Shaking the doubt from her mind, Iris opens the refrigerator, flooding the still dark kitchen with a sliver of light, and peers inside. She’s not craving anything in particular but the hunger she feels is enough to have her believing that she’ll eat just about anything and everything.

_I wonder if this is a side effect of being pregnant with speedsters? _

A stack of take out boxes at the back of the first plate catch her attention as she makes a mental note to ask Caitlin about her new dietary requirements in the morning. One’s a Big Belly Burger and the other is a box of spicy chicken wings from her favourite place in Coast City. There’s a note attached to them that reads:

_ Had no idea what you’d be craving so I got a few of the safest bets before bed. There’s a Keystone peperoni pizza in the oven. ;)_

Iris smiles and says a silent thank you to her brother. With Barry incarcerated, Central City needed a hero and Wally was more than happy to fill in. What he was not happy about was the why. She came clean to him over dinner after much nagging. She hadn’t wanted to taint his spirit with the story just yet, she just wanted to enjoy a nice family dinner. Something she hasn’t been able to do in a long time.

Alas, Wally was adamant so when her father reached for her hand and gave it a supportive squeeze, Iris took in a deep breath and told her little brother everything. His face fell, almost like the weight of her story had pulled every feature on his handsome young face down. His eye’s sparked with anger the second it all sank in and her father had to pull him outside to calm him down as Iris tried to recompose herself. Retelling the horrors she’s endured still isn’t easy, but it gets easier each time she opens up about it. It’s almost like she’s reminding her brain that it’s all over, that she’s survived, that he’ll never hurt her again. But her heart shatters anew every single time. Because her heart senses that it’s far from over. She still has to bring him back.

The microwave dings off and she erases the scene from her mind, her hopes lifting instantly with the prospect of food. Her first bite of the pizza is heavenly, the burger is an adventure and the wings curb a craving she didn’t even realise she had. In what seems like the blink of an eye, it’s all gone. Every single box polished to the last crumb and washed down with many a glass of soda.

_If I keep this up I’m going to balloon out of control._

She thinks while caressing her satisfied tummy. The fruit basket catches her attention in her peripheral and she squints her eye’s at it thoughtfully while considering the pros and cons of an apple or a banana before bed.

_It can’t hurt considering the fast food binge. A little fruit might do us some good. _

Iris plates two bananas and an apple, to take up to bed and grabs a glass of water. The darkness makes her trek up the stairs challenging and just before she reaches the top she misses a step. Her body begins to hurl forward and Iris closes her eyes waiting for the impact.

It never comes.

Slowly, her eyes pop open to reveal a scene that had she not been living it right this second she might not believe it’s true. Swirls of purple lightning surround her in a barely there circle while everything else on the outside seems to move in slow motion. For a few seconds she watches as her water flies out of the glass at a snails pace and the fruits bounce off the slowly falling plate. A memory comes back to her. Her and Barry, in a court room, their first year of marriage. Flashtime. Tentatively she reaches for the glass and just as she suspected it leaves the slow motion paradise outside her electrical bubble.

The water crashes onto her feet with a loud SPLASH and suddenly her body begins to tremble as she’s assaulted by vivid flashbacks, memories of a different kind. Iris closes her eyes against the images, hoping to shut them out but not even that helps her slow her heart rate or regain her breath. Her cheek seems to burn anew with the sting of his large hand. That hand that came down on her face,

Over,

And over,

And over again. 

Despite her tears. Despite her please. It kept on hitting. Her cheek kept on burning.

She kept on crying.

It felt like an eternity. Like she’d aged 100 years in that moment, but the ball of lighting that swirled around her said otherwise.

That night when they arrived at the CCPD fundraiser they weren’t just fashionably late. They were late because of the second coat of make-up she had to put on.

The shredded dress she had to change.

The string of pearls she had to replace.

“Help! Please! Help Me! Dad! Wally! Help!”

Her shaky screams go unheard and judging by the speed she’s probably moving at it’s not all that surprising. Iris feels her body grow weak, her eyes grow heavy and her knees give in. The ground does little to cushion her fall and the last thing she hears as she falls to the ground is the sound of shattering porcelain.

…

Worried whispers bring her back from her sleep and she squints her eyes against the brightness of the lights.

“Iris? Are you ok?” her father asks, and she has to shut her eyes against the oncoming headache.

“Yeah, just a little-” she winces, “-sore.”

“You did take quite the fall,” Wally tries to lighten the mood but the worried smile on his face diminishes the overall effect of his attempt.

“What happened?” Joe asks, not masking his concern.

“I don’t know. I woke up cause I was starving so I went down for a snack and on my way back to bed I-”

She stops mid-sentence as her brain processes exactly what happened. She has speed.

“You what?”

“I have speed.” She replies, answering a question that hasn’t yet been posed though after Cecile’s experience during her pregnancy, it was probably at the back of everyone’s minds. Now that she’s over the initial shock of it all, the sensation echoes back through her body, a familiar tingling she’s felt once before. That dreadful day two years ago when she was accidentally given her husbands speed. The day she almost left him for good.

The day she almost became him.

“Are you sure?” Her father asks, bringing her back from a dark trek down history.

“Positive,” the response is curtsey of Dr Snow, who walks into the med-bay with a tablet poised on her arm. Every pair of eyes in the room turns to look at her expectantly, awaiting an in depth explanation.

“What’s happening to me?” Iris asks simply and prays that the explanation is simple enough that she can digest it without much trouble. Trying to work through the scientific babble would take more brain power than she currently has with all the worrying she’s doing.

“Well I did a few tests while you were unconscious and I’m not sure how to explain this but it’s not that you have speed, exactly. It’s more like you’re borrowing it from the twins.” She says.

“What do you mean borrowing?”

“From what I can see, the dark matter that affected Barry caused a genetic mutation in his DNA that the twins inherited, giving them their speed. Seeing as you’re not a speedster, growing a single speedster foetus would be taxing on your body, let alone two. So as what I’m assuming is a survival mechanism, they seem to be injecting your system with a dose of dark matter to help your body cope.”

“Like meta-human pregnancy hormones?” Cisco asks, his tone of fascination undisguised.

“Yes. Exactly.”

“Cool.” He answers but after a look at Iris’s petrified face he corrects himself with:

“Not cool.”

“Do you know if this can cause any permanent effects?” Iris asks, her mind racing with the possibility of her becoming like Barry: darkened by the one thing that made him a hero.

“There’s no way of saying for sure. Not until the twins are born at least. But until then, like I said, you don’t have a speedster’s body so you should avoid using the speed force as much as possible. The side effects could range from you depleting it and miscarrying or causing them to over produce the dark matter in which case there’s no telling what that’ll do to you.”

The room goes silent for a second as Iris tries to process all the information she’s just been given and Joe breaks the ice by affirming:

“Uh huh. All that science talk and what I got is you’re being put on bed rest young lady.”

“Bed rest? Dad come on. I’m just in my first trimester and barely showing. Aren’t you over reacting just a little?” she tries to reason with him but by the look on her father’s face, this is one argument she won’t win. To make matters worse, Caitlin steps in and puts her medical seal of approval on his plan.

“I think that would be for the best Iris.” She says with an apologetic smile. “It’s the only way to ensure that you won’t use your powers.”

“Powers. Wow. I cannot be hearing this.” She falls back against the bed and closes her eyes in defeat.

Guess she’ll have to ask Scott to work from home.

* * *

Day 35

“Barry please. Just talk to me. I’m trying to help you.”

“If you really want to help me then you’ll let me out.”

“I can’t do that Bare. You know that. Not until you’re better.”

“Better from what? Iris. I’m not sick.” He approaches the glass looking defeated and sorrier than she’s ever seen him look. “Come on babe. Let me out. Please.”

Sigh.

She turns away and leaves. There’s always tomorrow.

* * *

“Iris are you OK?” comes Linda’s voice from outside the bathroom door.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just… I need a minute.” She answers weakly, trying to dispel the nausea with a few deep breaths.

“OK. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me,” Linda calls back, her voice laced with worry.

Iris takes a moment to recover from her bout of morning sickness, brushing her teeth and splashing her face with a little warm water in hopes of regaining some colour. She walks in just as Linda makes her way into the kitchen with a Jitters bag hanging from her hand.

“Since when does Jitters deliver?” she asks, trying to distract her friend from the beat down look she no doubt has on her face.

“They don’t. Scott dropped by, wanted to see how you were doing,” Linda answers, while laying out the bags contents.

“Why didn’t he come in?” Iris inquires while inspecting the pastry boxes like a lioness on a hunt.

“Said he had work to do. I swear we hit the jackpot in the boss lottery. Last time I had a cold he popped by my apartment with some chicken soup.” Linda answers.

“Really?” Iris asks surprised and Linda turns to face her with a sarcastic look on her face.

“No. That man has the hots for you. Don’t know why you’re being so difficult.”

“Difficult? Linda I’m married,” Iris answers with a chuckle though she knows full well what her colleague is talking about. Scott’s been more attentive than usual since she asked to work from home. He not only agreed but stressed that she was not to take on any high profile stories till after her maternity leave and has settled into a routine of weekly at home visits to ensure that she’s “taking care”.

“You know how I feel about that,” is all she says. Linda started suspecting that something was wrong after the third time Iris “tripped over something” and ended up with a blue eye. She’d confronted Iris about it but that only made Iris shut her out so she let it go. However, to some degree both were aware of the others knowledge of the situation.

“I do,” Iris murmurs softly, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. She falls to her knees, tears streaming down her face.

“Iris!” Linda exclaims, startled by her friend’s sudden outburst as she rushes to Iris’s side. She holds her sobbing colleague, and rocks her.

“It’s OK sweety. It’s OK.” Linda tries to hush her.

“You’re gonna be alright,” she tries to reassure Iris but the uncertainty in her voice makes the statement less believable.

“No, I’m not gonna be OK,” Iris whispers, swallowing down the sudden lump in her throat as she gathers up the courage to let her bottled emotions out.

“He hits me Linda,” she confesses, despite knowing that her friend has reached that conclusion on her own.

“Iris I…”

“Please Lin, I need to do this,” she interrupts and Linda nods her understanding. The two ladies get up from the floor and while Iris makes herself comfortable on the couch, Linda pours her a cup of tea before joining her.

“I’m all ears,” she says, handing Iris the warm beverage. Iris takes a sip, rehydrating her parched throat and the sweetness seems almost like a cruel tease in contrast to the bitterness of what she has to say.

“My favourite time of the year has always been winter, cause despite the cold there’s just something undeniably beautiful about the snow and let’s be honest I’m a Christmas freak.” Both ladies chuckle at the remark, a sad sound in the face of Iris’s confession.

“But despite my love for the winter I was always excited for the summer. The long days, the bright sun, the weekends by the lake or the park, not to mention the reduced amounts of laundry. Summers were especially fun once I grew into my teen and adult years. I used to be so secure about my body and I showed it off with every chance I got. It’s funny cause Barry used to be a kind of style coach for me. I know his own sense of style is…. questionable, at times but he always seemed to know exactly what looked good on me.” Her use of past tense doesn’t go unnoticed and a sigh escapes her as she realises just how much she’s lost.

“And my best memories of summer, I have with him. Ice-cream dates and bike rides. Late night swims and rainy days with a bowl of popcorn and a box set to binge. And this was all before we got married. After we got married I felt like it was all going to get better but then-” she pauses and takes a shaky sip of her tea then continues.

“Then he went into the speed force and when he came out he wasn’t the same. He wasn’t the Barry I grew up with. The man I fell in love with and decided to marry. He wasn’t the kind and sweet and gentle person I knew him to be. The person who protected me and loved me and just made me feel like the only woman in the world. Who made me feel invincible, like anything was possible.”

In Iris’s eyes, Linda notices the faintest glimmer of happiness, drowned out by a heart wrenching pain and surrounded by exhaustion. Once again, Iris notices her chosen tense.

Past.

A time long gone.

A Barry never forgotten.

“Now…” her voice breaks as what she has to say seems to shatter her piece by piece at a time. She looks up at her friends sympathetic eyes, her own vision blurred by her tears.

“I don’t know how I’m going to do this without him.” she whispers, barely able to bear the thought of what is now her reality.

“He was always just there and he’s been my pillar of strength for so long, I barely noticed until he wasn’t anymore. I’m not invincible Linda, not without him. I’m human, and – and vulnerable and scarred and I- I just-” her words break off into breathless sobs and Linda pulls her close.

“Oh honey you’re not alone. You have your dad and Cecile and the team at the lab and me.” Iris responds with a stream of sobs, she feels out of control and as much as she wants to stop crying she can’t bring herself to.

“You’re stronger than you know and have been as much Barry’s port as he has been yours. You’ve done a lot more than you give yourself credit for, things no average human would dare to do. You’ve saved my life for Pete’s sake!” Linda continues and at that Iris manages a sobbing chuckle. They break off their hug and Linda hands Iris a tissue box that was conveniently planted on one of the side tables next to the couch. Cecile has one in every corner of the house in case Jenna gets into any trouble.

“You’re gonna be an awesome mom.” Linda reassures Iris once she’s settled down a little.

“Thanks Lin.” She sniffles, feeling mildly courageous though the voice inside her head still screams that she’s biting off more than she can chew. For the moment she allows herself a moment of blissful security, telling herself that she can in fact do it.

“I appreciate the vote of confidence and you are right. I have faced a lot of things -_impossible _things- that I never in my life thought I would face. This-” she looks down at her now partially visible bump.

“-is just another one of them. The happiest one of them.”

“Happiest _two_ you mean.” Linda corrects and both ladies laugh.

…

Lying awake in bed she caresses her tummy subconsciously while staring at the ceiling, her mind distant. She can’t stop thinking about her conversation with Linda, the secrets she revealed, the words of encouragement.

The words left unsaid.

Like how, despite feeling more confident she still feels like she needs Barry by her side. Monster or not she is still the father of her children and, even if only for the Barry he used to be, he deserves a place in their lives. A spot beside them in their birthday photos. A chance to witness their smiles every Christmas morning. To take their photo on prom night and shed a tear or two at their weddings.

Most of all, the one truth she can’t hide from. 

She loves him. 

She loves him and no matter how hateful his eyes or how painful the punches when she looks at him she still sees her Barry. She still sees that same charming smile that swept her off her feet. As hard as it may be to understand, one beat down wasn’t enough to erase an entire life time.

He’s still in there somewhere. She knows he is.

* * *

Day 97

“Did you relive the night your mom died? Like Wally did?”

Silence.

“Were you chasing the Reverse Flash? Weren’t you fast enough?”

Silence.

“Was it Savit-”

“Enough! Alright? I’ve had enough! If you’re not gonna let me out then just leave me alone. I’d rather shrivel up and die in here alone than have you treating me like some little psychological experiment. Just leave me be alright. Go talk to our children. Tell them how you’re going to deprive them of their father.”

That last line hits her hard and her lip begins to quiver as she struggles to hold back her tears. She won’t cry in front of him.

Not anymore.

She won’t give him that satisfaction.

* * *

Boom-boom-boom-boom.

Boom-boom-boom-boom.

Boom-boom-boom-boom.

As mechanical as the sound might be, her ears manage to filter through the machine’s coding to the blissful sound that lies beneath.

The boom-boom-boom-boom of her babies’ heart beats.

A single tear escapes the corner of her eyes as she gazes longingly at the screen. They might be inside her, but she can’t help but be consumed by an overwhelming urge to hold them in her arms. To feel their heart beats beneath her palm as they warm her chest.

The image on the monitor is one she might have painted if she possessed the skills. What used to be mere bundles of cells a few months ago, now look like two halves of her heart, snuggling close together, side by side. Living, breathing, moving, tiny hearts beating inside her.

“They’re beautiful,” she whispers while reaching up a hand to gently glide her fingers against the monitor. Not even the cold of the gel on her round tummy or the unforgiving chill of the labs air-conditioning system could freeze the human heat that spreads through her. Tingling from her finger tips to her head to her heart and spreading, from there, in her veins. Like a wild fire of emotion.

Of love.

A mother’s love.

“That they are and perfectly healthy if our ultrasound has anything to say about it.” Caitlin answers, referring to the quick upgrade that had to be made to the machine in order for it to pick up the twins’ heartbeats. That singular moment of silence felt like the longest in Iris’s life. Her ears seemed to grow hot and vibrate with anticipation, her hands grew sweaty and the air in the room grew heavy, hard to breathe. If Caitlin hadn’t suggested a possible (and likely) reason for the problem, Iris was afraid her own heart might have stopped.

Yet, the second she heard the blissful rhythm, all worries became a thing of the past. Now here she is, teary eyed, warm hearted with her children’s heart song playing on repeat in her mind. It’s all so overwhelmingly joyful that it’s almost enough for her to forget that Barry-sized void in her heart.

Almost.

She sighs, burdened by the knowledge that he’s a floor below her but yet he seems so distant. She’d give anything to have him here with her. To have him squeeze her hand in support and excitement. To see the tears of pride and gratitude make his green eyes glisten. To feel his kiss on her forehead as she sheds her own tears of overwhelming joy.

“Would you like a picture?” Caitlin asks and a light bulb goes off in Iris’s mind.

“Yeah I would actually. Make that two please.” 

“Coming right up.” She responds with a smile.

…

Iris takes a deep breath as she stands in front of the still concealed cell. Her heart beats at a million miles per second and she can’t help the slight tremble of her hand. But her nerves don’t completely stem from a place of fear. They stem from a place of anticipation. It’s those same butterflies you get before your first date, or that cold feeling in your gut as your crush walks by. She can’t help it. For the longest time he’s been her best friend, her greatest protector, her strongest source of strength and the one true love of her life. These aren’t emotions she can simply obliterate. Not in a month, not in a year. Maybe not even in a life time.

Yet. Even with all that love, she still finds herself unable to move. Paralysed by a fear that’s been growing inside her since the day she got him back. Part of him anyway. Not the fear of the pain, nor the fear of his angered face. Rather, it’s the fear that with every hit she takes, a part of him drifts away into oblivion. With every scream he tears out of her, he grows even deafer to his inner voice, that voice that tells him who he is, the voice of the man she loves. That’s what stops her in her tracks.

The fear that she might never get him back.

Iris closes her eyes and leans her forehead on the cool wall. The ultrasound photo rests, like an anchor, in her trembling hands. It keeps her from spiralling into her thoughts, from panicking, from over thinking. Her heart tells her that she should go inside but every other fibre of her being is screaming for her to go in the opposite direction. A hesitation born form experience vibrates through her, killing her in the process.

It hurts, because hesitating feels like betraying him.

She doesn’t want to hesitate. She doesn’t want to doubt his love, to feel unsafe beside him, to allow herself to be tainted by the violence. But now that her own life is not the only one at risk, that hesitation seems harder to beat. Opening her eyes, she glances at the photo in her hands and feels her decision solidify. Through the longing, the anguish of missing him, the craving of his smell and the ache of the absence of his touch, through it all her babies need to come first. 

She’s going home.

Her heart beats out a sorrowful note as, with one last breath, she turns around to leave. Her steps are slow and her bottom lip quivers as she tries to swallow down her tears, to no avail. It hurts. Walking away hurts. Breathing becomes a laboured act and she braces her hand against the wall to hold herself steady.

Hiccup. Breath. Hiccup. Breath.

Her other hand clutches at her chest, crumpling the ultrasound picture in her grasp and all Iris can think is ‘why’? Why her? Why her family? Her marriage? Her children? Why does she have to choose between being a mother and being a wife? Why does she have to choose who to love? The strength drains out of her and she crumbles to the ground, her back dragging against the wall.

Slowly.

slowly.

Her cries echo through the empty corridor. Empty and lonely. Her curses. Her crosses to bare. And just as all seems lost, as the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be blinking out, she feels something that brings her back to life.

A small, seemingly insignificant movement.

A kick.

She stops crying for a second and looks down at her swollen belly, keeping perfectly still in case she’s mistaking a hiccup for a kick.

There it is again.

That tiny little kick.

That sign of life.

_We’re here mommy. _It seems to say. _You’re not alone._

A teary chuckle escapes her and she wraps her hand around her mid-section as she starts to cry anew.

“Thank you,” she cries out, the only word she can manage in the height of her emotion. A word of gratitude to her sources of strength. She was supposed to be protecting them and yet here they are, taking care of her. The tears cross her lips like little rivulets, flowing past the bump of her smile.

“Thank you.” 

…

After calming down sufficiently and a quick trip to the bathroom to wash away the evidence of her meltdown, Iris makes her way home. From the back of a cab, as she’s been banned from driving, she watches the changing scenery and caresses her still tummy. Despite the puffiness in her eyes there’s a glistening in those chocolate brown irises that compliments her lazy smile. Although she closes the car door gently, the micro sound is enough to stir the quiet neighbourhood and as the car drives away Iris allows herself a moment to enjoy the barely there rumble of the engine. A final deep breath in brings the smell of freshly cut grass and baked goods drifting towards her as she says goodbye to the peaceful cul-de-sac and huffs her way up the drive way to the door. The keys give out a joyful clink as she turns them and unlocks the door.

“SURPRISE!!!”

Her heart nearly jumps out of her mouth as she starts at the unexpected collective shout. A round of applause and a chorus of laughter fills the room as Iris takes in the scene before her. Yellow balloons dot the living room in three’s and the single couch by the fire place has been replaced with a white, high back, leather couch that almost resembles a throne.

“Congratulations mama!” Linda screams as she approaches with a tiara and a sash that says: “Mother of two”.

“What is all this?” Iris asks wide-eyed, as Linda dolls her up while she continues to look around. Gifts of all shapes and sizes cover the coffee table. Surprisingly enough they’re all wrapped in the same white and gold polka dot wrapping paper, a detail that screams Linda. She can be a little too OCD for her own good. And if that weren’t enough, the buffet of finger foods and home-made snacks on her father’s living room table would have definitely given her best girlfriend away.

“It’s your baby shower!” Linda explains and Iris turns her attention to her friend.

“My what?” she blinks, before her eyes land on the white banner with gold detailing that hangs above the fire place and reads:

DOUBLE TROUBLE.

“Your baby shower! Now come over here so I can give that bump a hug.” Felicity exclaims while squeezing past the small crowd to where Iris stands. A radiant smile crosses Iris’s face as she welcomes the warm embrace and Felicity rocks her gently from side to side as she squeezes her friend tight.

“Oh, I wish you all the best with this new adventure. I won’t lie to you mother hood isn’t all its cooked up to be all the time, but on the good days, and there will be _a lot _of good days, I hope, it can be so much better than you imagined.” She does her trademark rambling and Iris chuckles, making a mental note to stop by and see how baby Mia is doing.

“Thank you,” she says, fighting to keep her overwhelming joy and gratitude to a minimum. They’re not kidding when they say pregnancy makes you emotional.

“All right, all right, move aside. The rest of us want a piece too.” Kara buts in, opening her arms with an excited shriek once Felicity steps a side.

“You are absolutely glowing! And you are going to make one heck of a mom.” She reassures Iris and gives her back a friendly rub. Iris can tell that Kara’s holding in a squeeze out fear that her super strength might hurt her.

“Thank you Kara.”

“Of course! And don’t forget: if you ever need a super baby sitter, I’m your girl.”

“I will definitely take you up on that offer,” she winks. 

Iris smiles her way through her guests, greeting everyone from Sara to Clarissa on her way to her designated seat for the day.

“Felicity, could you get a picture of me and the mama please?” Linda asks and hands her phone to a waiting Felicity. At the mention of pictures iris looks down at her light pink, oversized, maternity jersey and baggy, grey sweats. A look of pure mortification crosses her features.

“Wait! Before any pictures are taken I need to change into something a little less comfortable.” She says and a collective chuckle sounds throughout the room. Linda helps her get out of her seat and Iris waddles away with a:

“I’ll be right back.”

The search for an appropriate outfit is a long and challenging one, but Iris opts for a simple yellow tunic and some white tights, purposefully matching the deco. She undoes her under-brushed hair and tries to pass a brush through it but it gets stuck half way and her upper body strength fails her.

“Need a hand?” Linda’s smile ridden voice sounds from the partially open door to Iris’s bedroom where she stands and watches the mom-to-be wrestle with her mane.

“Please,” Iris breathes out and joins her friend in a chuckle as Linda walks inside and stands behind her. Gently the brush is removed from the tangled mess that kept it captive and Linda gives the puzzle before her a thoughtful look before saying:

“Be right back,” and vanishing into the corridor.

Iris looks at herself in the mirror and smiles.

“You almost look like your old self again,” she tells her reflection. 

At the mention of her old self, a passing ache disturbs her heart beat and she looks down at her wedding band. Caressing it with her thumb, she sighs longingly then pushes all those emotions down. Enough sorrow for one day, it’s time for some fun. Right on cue Linda reappears with a bottle of conditioner in her hand.

“Look what I’ve – oh ooh,” she says and Iris looks up at her alarmed.

“What?”

“You have that teary look in your eyes.”

Iris chuckles, “Linda I’m pregnant. I always have this teary look in my eyes. Good news, bad news. Doesn’t matter.”

“Noooooo. This is a very special kind of teary eye. Those are Barry tears.”

“Barry tears?”

“Yes, Barry tears. The name is pretty self-explanatory, so why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?” She offers as she perches on the edge of the table.

“It’s nothing really.” Iris tries to brush it off but when she looks up at her friend she finds Linda looking at her with a curious look, her head tilted to the side.

“You miss him, don’t you?” she asks in a tone that suggests she’s certain of the answer that will follow. Iris wants to laugh it off but one look at Linda’s face has her caving. She sighs and nods her head.

“I do. I really wish he could be here for this. Please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m so, so grateful for all that you’ve done for me so far. Taking me to my appointments, helping me with my work load, reminding me to take my vitamins. Between you, my dad, Wally, Cecile and Scott it would be easy to forget that something’s missing but…”

“But we don’t make up for the emotional void in your life,” Linda finishes for her, uttering the words Iris can’t bring herself to say with a voice soft with empathy. She looks up at her friend with her eyes glossed over in confirmation and Linda kneels down to pull Iris in for a hug.

“It’s ok to miss him Iris. You’re human and you’ve loved him for more than half your life. Granted you weren’t always aware of it but it was still there. It’s been in you for years it’s not going to just vanish in a few months. So yeah, you can miss him just don’t let it consume you. Cause it’s not just you you’ll be dragging down that rabbit hole.” Linda places her hand on Iris’s stomach to get her point across and Iris nods in comprehension, a small smile blooming on her face.

“Thanks Lin.”

“Don’t mention it. Now let’s see about that hair.”

A few minutes later Iris’s previously untameable hair is neatened into a tight ponytail, a cascade of shiny curls flowing behind her and her face is livened with a tad bit of lipstick and mascara.

“There. Beautiful as always.” Linda compliments as she takes a step back to admire her handy work.

“You’re a life saver Lin.”

“It was nothing. Now let me leave you to your final touches while I see about some refills.” She offers Iris’s shoulder a supportive squeeze and leaves. Alone once more, Iris takes in her reflection. There isn’t anything else she has left to do except…

She looks deeply into the mirror, locks her eyes on her own gaze from the glass and silently she sends herself a simple message:

_I’m proud of you._

The corners of her lips turn up, adding to her get up the most important of accessories and one that (lately) she rarely wears genuinely: a smile. With that she leaves the room and slowly makes her way back to her guests.

As she reaches the top of the stairs she hears a knock at the door and makes her way down in time to see Scott standing in the entrance. His eyes lock on hers across the room and an expression of awe crosses his face. He seems to suddenly grow nervous and fidgety and clears his throat as she approaches, before saying:

“You look great.”

Iris smiles bashfully and looks at him through her eyelashes.

“Thank you.”

“Oh um these are for you.” he says offering her a box of chocolates and a bouquet of wild flowers that Iris accepts with a sheepish smile on her face.

“These are beautiful. Thank you.”

“I’m glad you like them.”

She chuckle softly. He smiles. They stay put, avoiding eye contact.

“Okay, I’ll take these and put them in some water.” Linda steps in, saving them both before their mini stare off gets too awkward, well, more than it already is.

“Thanks Linda. Scott would you like to join us?” Iris recovers and steps aside to let him in. One look at the bevy of beautiful ladies gathered in the living room (and the lack of male figures) has him gulping nervously and shaking his head politely.

“I’ll have to take a rain check. You ladies have fun.”

“You sure?” She insists, a hint of disappointment in her voice.

“Yeah, I am. I’ll stop by later with a few files that might help with your latest story.”

“You don’t have to drive all the way here, I can just get them on Monday really-”

“It’s no trouble at all and you are supposed to be on bed rest. Don’t be stubborn West.” He gives her a playful look and she caves with a smile.

“Alright. You’re the boss. I’ll see you later.”

“Great! Have fun, but not too much fun. See yah.” He warns and she laughs as she waves him away and closes the door. Returning her attention to the ongoing party, Iris finds her guests eyeing her with varying levels of curiosity. She lets out a nervous laugh and claps her hands like a cheerleader pre-cheer then exclaims:

“Let’s get this party started!”

…

“Thanks for coming!” She yells after Kara and Alex before the youngest of the two wraps her arms around her sister and flies away. Iris’s smile remains plastered to her face as she closes the door and walks back towards the kitchen where Linda dry’s her last plate.

“Did everyone leave?” she asks, setting the dry plate down and Iris nods with a smile. She gazes at her friend and Linda smiles back, squinting her eyes as she asks:

“What?”

At that Iris walks towards her and gives her a tight hug.

“Thank you.” She says into Linda’s hair and feels her friend’s laughter through her chest.

“You’ve gotten so sappy since you fell pregnant.” She teases while returning the hug.

“And you don’t need to thank me. Your friendship and that beautiful smile of yours is all the thanks I need.” She responds, making Iris’s smile grow brighter.

They part but remain close, close enough that Linda can see the glint in her best friends eyes.

“Iris West don’t you dare cry on me. You’ll ruin your mascara.” She jokes, feeling her own eyes twinkle with emotional tears. Hers aren’t of gratitude but rather of pride. In her friend, for overcoming everything life’s thrown her way with her head held high and determination in her step.

Iris blinks quickly to push down her emotions, it’s been a more than overwhelming day and the last thing she wants to do is cry for the billionth time.

“I really am just a big sap aren’t I?” She chuckles.

“It’s cute.” Linda reassures her with a laugh that’s cut short by her phone’s ringing.

“And that’s my cue. I have an interview in a half hour so I should get going.”

“An interview?”

“Yeah. I’m chasing down a lead and this particular witness has been a pain to get a hold of. Will you be OK alone till your dad gets home?”

Iris laughs at the excess caution.

“I’ll be fine Lin. I’m pregnant not sick. Go on and good luck with your interview.”

“Ok. See yah and don’t do anything! Literally just put your feet up and stay still!” Linda calls out behind her as she rushes out leaving Iris laughing and shaking her head. A nursery-rhyme-like tune brings her attention on to the washing machine, the song announcing that a fresh load of laundry waits to be hung up to dry. Iris looks down at her swollen tummy and smiles.

“What do say babies? Should we give Papa Joe a hand with the laundry?” She asks while caressing them lovingly. A few minutes later she walks out the backdoor into the backyard, awkwardly balancing a laundry basket on her hip. With a huff she puts the basket down and straightens out in front of the washing line, pressing her hands into her back to work out the stiffness.

“Well, that was harder than I thought,” she thinks out loud, with a smile still on her face. Getting ready to hang the first piece of laundry she’s suddenly reminded of her little height problem. Iris sighs.

“How could I forget? I used to this with your dad when we were younger.” Her eyes gain a distant quality as she suddenly thinks back to the countless days of hanging laundry. Handing clothing item after clothing item to Barry as they spoke about their days. He’d often tease her about her height then, telling her she’d need to marry a giant to help her out around the house.

She wonders at times if those were subtle hints on his part. A way of indirectly telling her she’s should marry him.

“Iris?” Scott’s voice brings her out of her time trip and she blinks back into the present with a crease of confusion.

“Scott? What are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry if I startled you. I just stopped by to drop off the files I promised.” He justifies.

“How did you get in?”

“Oh uh, spare key. Your father gave me one in case of an emergency. When you didn’t answer the door I assumed you were asleep so I let myself in. What I didn’t expect was to see you out here doing laundry. You shouldn’t be pushing yourself this hard.” He warns though the kind smile on his face softens the blow.

“It’s no biggy. I’m only five months pregnant, barely into my third trimester. I can still do a few things, just gotta take it easy.” Iris brushes it off while bending down to pick up a shirt and prove her point. Scott walks towards her, clearly not backing down.

“Yes, but you’re carrying multiples which means an increased risk and requires more rest.”

Iris let’s out a breathy laugh as she stands on the tips of her toes and still struggles to reach the washing line.

Her laughter stops when she feels him behind her, awfully close. Scott takes the shirt from her hands and easily hangs it up, pegging it in place, but he doesn’t step back. The warmth radiating from his body feels uncomfortably inviting, her hormones and the fact that she’s been away from her husband for so long not helping the situation. His hands find her shoulders and she stiffens beneath his touch. She wants to move but somehow can’t. Slowly he turns her around, her eyes scanning him from head toe till they lock on his. He searches her gaze, bouncing back and forth between her eyes and her lips. His touch is gentle when she cups her face and for a second she hesitates but soon begins to step out of his embrace.

He won’t let go.

Not this time.

This time, he kisses her.

No warning, no regard for her attempt to step away, no fear of rejection neatly hidden behind an awkward smile as is the norm in their frequent interactions.

Her eyes are wide open in surprise and her lips (like the rest of her body) remain unmoving, tingly from his gentle touch. Ever so slowly her eyes begin to droop closed, it’s an action that takes about a millisecond but in this moment it seems to last an eternity and just before they close, just before her body gives in to that primal automatic response, a chill runs through her bones. It’s an uneasy chill, almost like a bad smell that starts as a suggestion but soon consumes the air to the point where you’re tearing up and choking for breath. Her stomach starts to twist and turn as her gut is overwhelmed with disgust.

This is wrong.

She knows it, her body knows it, her soul screams it.

Iris gasps, pulling away violently and almost tripping over her own feet as she puts a measure of distance between them. Her hand flies to her mouth. To protect it? In shock? She can’t quite tell. A gentle breeze tries to dry the tears that sparkle in her wide eyes and slowly pushes her back.

One step, two steps, three steps, four.

“Iri-” she doesn’t give him a chance to explain. Like a woman possessed, Iris turns and takes off in a slow run. Her heart hammers violently in her chest, accusingly, and all she can think about as she grabs her car keys and storms out the door is:

_I’m sorry Barry. _

She’s sorry. Sorry for being weak. For allowing herself to be in a position where something like that could happen. For committing the ultimate betrayal. Ragged sobs escape her and her mascara stained tears paint lines down her face, splattering her tunic and ruining it’s beauty with their marks of pain. She claws at her chest, hitting and scratching it till she’s sure it’s red from irritation. But what else can she do? How else can she get rid of the guilt that seems to eat away at her from the inside out? The road ahead becomes blurry behind her tears, yet she doesn’t ease her foot from the accelerator. She has no destination, nowhere to go, no home, yet still she hurries in the direction of nothingness, praying that the horizon will take her far away from this place. From her life. Her thoughts soar at a million miles an hour and-

BEEP!!!!!!!

She panics and her foot comes crashing on to the breaks as a truck swerves past her, her life flashing before her eyes with the passing convoy. Iris hits the emergency lights and struggles to catch her breath. She releases her death grip on the steering wheel and falls back into her chair.

In-out. In-out. In-out.

Her breaths are short and laboured, her chest rising and falling with the struggle. She leans her head back and closes her eyes, swallowing away the dryness in her throat. Her arms wrap around her mid section protectively as she tries to calm herself down.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She breathes out, her heart shattering as the possibility of what could have happened dawns on her.

She could have had and accident.

She could have lost her babies.

And it would all be her fault.

It _is_ all her fault.

For being weak.

For not realising sooner that he was her true love.

For not being enough for Barry not to create flash point.

For letting him go into the speed force.

For not fighting harder to get him out.

For betraying him and letting another man kiss her.

She has to fix this.

With a determined mind, she turns off her emergency lights and puts the car into gear, racing off in the direction of STAR Labs.

“Iris what are you doing here? Are you okay?” Cisco asks, worried, as she rushes past towards the pipeline.

“I’m not ok. But I will be soon.” She answers.

A quick palm scan has both cell doors opening wide to reveal a demoralised Barry. His hair is dishevelled, his face unshaven and his eyes almost lifeless.

Iris stops in her tracks.

He looks like he did on that day. The day he got out. The day her life took a turn for the worst. Barry stands abruptly, surprised by her enthusiastic entrance and sudden halt. He takes her in, his gaze lingering on her belly as a smile plays on his lips. But that smile soon fades when his eyes land on her face.

“Who smudged your lipstick?”

He asks coldly and Iris feels her body come alive in warning.

It’s been too long.

“Barry I-”

“I’ll ask one more time. Who? Smudged? Your lipstick?”

“It, it was a mistake I-”

CLAP!

The slap rings out through the pipeline and Iris’s hand flies to comfort her heated cheek.

“Barry please.”

And so start her tears.

His eyes are wide with rage as he yanks at her hair and screams.

“You’re mine Iris! Mine! I won’t let them take you away from me! Not again! Never again!”

“Barry please you’re hurting me.” She cries before calling upon her speed to free herself from his grasp. She tries to make a break for it but he stops her at the door, stretching his arm out so that her chest slams straight into her and her body is sent reeling towards the floor a few feet away. Iris lands back first and barely able to breath.

That was a hard blow.

She starts to choke and as she coughs blood splatters onto her hand. Her body is weak from the blow and the exertion of using her speed so she tries to crawl away, holding her stomach protectively with one hand as she uses the other to drag herself away from him.

“How could you?” he asks, actual tears glinting in his eyes as he walks towards her. The guilt hits her harder than any punch.

“I-I’m sorry” she manages to cough out.

“I-” She can’t finish her sentence.

A sharp pain shoots up her spine from her midsection and she keels over in agony. She tries to take deep breaths and closes her eyes, perplexed by the sudden cramp. A pool of moisture coats her legs and Iris opens her eyes to find herself sitting in a quickly widening pool of blood.

Her breaths grow shorter and her vision goes blurry, she’s too weak to fight. The pain returns again in a wave stronger than the last but she barely has time to process it as she’s raised from the ground by her neck and slammed, hard, against a wall.

She has no strength to scream.

“Barry stop!” Cisco’s voice sounds distant and so do the steps that echo through out the pipeline.

“Help. Me.” She manages to croak just before she’s hit with a third wave of blinding pain. Barry’s grasp on her neck loosens and as she falls to ground, the world turns black.

…

Beep-beep-beep.

_“…too weak.”_

_“…induced labour.”_

_“….babies…make it…”_

**I’m sorry. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-hoy there shippers!   
So this one took a while...but I came back with a 20 page chapter so please be nice to me. Its a bitter sweet feeling cause this is the second last chapter of this amazing story that really took me on an emotional trip. I hope you guys and gals enjoy what I have planned and please don't sue me just yet.... I love you .....please don't be mad....ok I'm just gonna let you read and do with me what you see fit. 
> 
> xoxo
> 
> cliffhanger warnings apply

* * *

Month 5:

Her knees ache as she kneels on the icy tile floor next to the incubator. Her eyes are swollen and sting from all the crying. Her overworked body trembles with the echo of hiccupped sobs and her throat feels raw from all the screams she’s holding inside. The pain in her chest is immeasurable. Unlike anything she’s ever felt before. Unlike any beating she’s ever taken or heart ache she’s ever felt.

It’s worse than being choked by the man she loves.

Worse than looking into his green eyes and seeing nothing but a deep sea of emptiness staring back at her.

Worse than the crushing realisation that the only way out is death.

This pain feels like millions of searing hot needles piercing her skin at the same time. It feels like undergoing open heart surgery without anaesthetic and being kept awake to feel every agonising second. It feels like drowning in a sea of acid, choking on it as every deadly breath burns your throat and lungs.

It feels like all that, all at once.

She didn’t picture this happening when she opened that door. This isn’t what she wanted.

What she wanted was to stop hurting.

She wanted to stop the guilt, the longing, the emptiness.

And there was only one way to do that. There was only one person in the world that could have made her feel like herself again.

Him.

He’s the only one that could forgive her for her betrayal, her moment of weakness. Because he’d done it before, countless times before. He’d forgiven her for being blind and loved her unconditionally. He’d forgiven her for giving up and came back to her. So she was hoping and praying that he would forgive her for this too. That he could fix everything with a hug. That he’d hold her face in his hands, look into her eyes and kiss her. Take away the stain she placed on their marriage by wiping it away with his lips.

She was desperate to believe that the past few years were nothing but a nightmare. She wanted to fix everything by being next to him. Letting him comfort her, hold her, kiss her forehead and tell her that it would all be ok.

That’s all she wanted. A moment with him. With her love, her home. To feel safe again, to say “I’m sorry” and have him forgive her. Have him love her again like he once did.

Because he’s the only one that can do that. He’s the only one who can accept her with all her weaknesses and her flaws. The only man she can trust to forgive her for what she’d done.

For cheating.

For being weak enough to allow another man to take advantage of her so simply. For not being secure enough in their marriage to put her foot down the minute she realised that something was amiss. She had so many opportunities to stop this wild fire from spreading. All the signs were there. The way Scott would offer to rub her feet during his daily visits, the willingness to do a midnight craving dash to the supermarket, the gentle way he’d tuck away her stray strands of hair and the loving way his eyes would linger on hers. It was all so clear. His longing gazes expressed his fluttering heart with crystal clarity and she chose to ignore it all, making excuses for him at every turn. She let it go too far.

She knew that.

The guilt made it impossible to forget and it was that same guilt that drove her over the edge. It was that very guilt that broke down the wall she was trying to build and let her emotions through. All her insecurities and shames.

Her fear of being alone. Her pain at having to leave Barry there locked up, making him suffer after she turned him into a monster that needed to be contained.

It was all her fault. She knew it was, she tried to convince herself otherwise but she couldn’t. That’s why she opened that door at first. To plead for his forgiveness, to ask that he take her back. To promise to love him and do better so that he’d never have to raise his voice or fists at her again. She’d stay at home, she wouldn’t meet with any one unless he let her, she’d be pleasant and perfect to the best of her ability and would never question his love for her cause she knew that he was the only one who could lover her the way she is.

Stupid!

That’s what she was.

A weak mess of a woman who still believed in fairy tales. A woman too wrapped up in her own weakness and self-pity to see the truth right in front of her.

But she can’t ignore it now.

With every beep and hiss from the life support machines, every needle and tube protruding from her babies’ bodies, every second that passes by without her knowing if it will be their last makes that horrible truth more and more clear.

He’s never going to change.

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. _

She repeats in her mind, over and over again. Her apology is made in thought because she can’t master up the courage to speak.

She’s too heart broken.

Too ashamed.

Ashamed at her own weakness. At her blindness, her stupidity. Her childish belief that there was still any hope that the old Barry would come back.

But enough is enough. She’s woken up from that dream and no pill is strong enough to put her back to sleep.

“Hang in there babies. Hang in there for mama. For me. I’ll make things right.” She sobs out, caressing the cold glass with her shaking fingers.

“I promise. I’ll make this right. Just keep fighting. Please…Please.”

* * *

Month 6

“Iris?” comes Cecile’s voice from the other side of the door but Iris provides no response. She’s too weak to speak, physically and emotionally. Laying down in the stuffy room, with her legs curled in and nothing but her face peeking out of the blanket, her body feels stiff. She hasn’t been out of the room for days, laying in that exact position with the curtains drawn day in and day out.

“Iris?” Cecile calls again and yet again, Iris doesn’t move. Iris hears the door open and closes her eyes against the sliver of light that pierces the darkness in her room.

“Iris, you really should eat something.”

Silence.

“Do you want me to make you something special? I can get your dad to whip you up a batch of Grandma Esther’s noodles?” Cecile tries in vain.

“Iris?”

Silence.

With a sigh of defeat, she takes replaces the empty glass of milk with a full one and reluctantly walks out. As the door clicks shut, the tears roll down Iris’s face, and once again she silently cries herself to sleep.

…

The knock at her door catches her by surprise and she can tell from the difference in sound that it’s not Cecile. Still, she simply lays still. Her limbs feel too heavy and exhausted for her to move them. She closes her eyes as she hears the door open, followed by the sound of her father’s voice.

“Baby girl?”

She doesn’t answer.

“Iris, talk to me baby girl. What’s on your mind?”

Still she doesn’t answer.

“Iris.”

“Dad please.”

Her voice sounds horse, and tiny. He can tell that she’s hurting and it breaks his heart.

“Baby girl look at me.” he asks, hoping that that concern in his eyes can convince her to open up. When his request is met with no action he tries again.

“Look at me, Iris.”

“I can’t.” her voice is weak, so weak each note seems to tremble.

“Please. I can’t face you right now dad.” she admits. The mattress sinks behind her as her father sits down.

“Why not?” he asks softly, and the worry in his voice kills her a little inside.

“I’m….” she takes a deep breath and he can hear it in her voice that she’s trying to hold back tears.

“…ashamed.” She trembles out.

“What on earth of? You did nothing wrong.”

“But I didn’t do anything right either.”

His hand settles on her shoulder, triggering an internal conflict within her. One the one hand she demonises herself, she doesn’t deserve her father’s comfort. However, another side of her is aching and in desperate need of his fatherly embrace.

“Baby girl, I’ve already told you this before and I’ll keep sayin’ it till you get it through that thick head of yours. What happened, what he did to you, was not your fault. You were a victim.”

“But I let him dad. I didn’t fight back. I… just took it and now….now….my babies….” She can no longer hold her tears in and her sobs drown out her words.

“I hurt them dad. I’m supposed to be their mom. I’m supposed to protect them and yet I didn’t put them above my own selfish need. How can I protect them now that they’re in this world if I could barely keep them safe when they were inside me…when I had control over everything?”

Iris curls further into herself, her heart racing and her chest burning. Her entire body trembles with the effort of crying through its malnourishment.

“I’m so sorry dad. I’m such a failure. As a daughter, a wife and now a mother. I’m so sorry dad. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Baby girl, look at me.” he asks and Iris shakes her head “no”.

“Iris please. Do this for me baby girl. Let me comfort you. Please.” She can hear the shake in her father’s voice and that finally convinces her to look at him. A moment of silence passes between them. In the darkness, through her tears, Iris can’t make out her father’s glossy gaze but she sees when he opens his arms wide.

“Come here baby girl.” He says simply and that’s all it takes for her to cave and burry her face in her father’s chest. Joe wraps his arms tightly around his daughter, unable to hold back his own tears.

“My baby girl.” He sniffles and kisses the top of her head.

“My Iris. I couldn’t be prouder to be your father. You had a moment of weakness driven by love, and nothing in this world is more beautiful and pure than love baby girl. So don’t you ever apologise for loving. And you did fight. You fought so hard, to hold on to your marriage, to your children and your life.” Joe pauses, gathering the courage to say what he has to say next.

“There was a moment during your delivery when your heart rate dropped, you came so close to coding. So, so close. But somehow, in the middle of the operation panic you managed to stabilize yourself, and that allowed Caitlin to carry on with the surgery and save the twins. You we’re so strong baby girl, and in that moment I was reminded, as sad as it is, that you’re not my baby girl anymore. You’re a brave and determined woman. And I couldn’t be prouder of who you’ve become.”

“Dad,” is all she manages to say as his words lift a weight from her chest.

“So please Iris. Stop beating yourself up about it. Stop blaming yourself for something you can’t change. Right now, you need to be gathering your strength and preparing for a life a head with those beautiful babies of yours.”

All Iris can do in response is hold her father tight and let her tears falls. She hears his heart through his shaky breath, the sound as reassuring as when she’d rush into her father’s room as a kid after a nightmare.

“I love you baby girl. Don’t you ever forget that and even if things get difficult always know that you can come to me for help. Always.” he says but he holds back the words he really wants to say.

The “I’m sorry” he has buried in his heart, the self-hatred he’s harbouring for not being able to help her sooner, for letting her go through it all alone.

“I love you too dad. Thank you for always being there. For being my rock even when I didn’t know I needed one. I couldn’t have asked for a better father.” She sobs, finally calming down.

He plants yet another kiss on the top of her head and caresses it, holding her tightly as if he squeeze the pain out of her. They stay like that a moment, simply enjoying each other’s embrace.

A father, giving his daughter all the love he can give.

A daughter becoming a mother.

* * *

Month 7

“What is this?” Scott asks bewildered as he looks down at the envelope Iris has just placed on his desk. He was surprised to see her after almost three months of radio silence but the way she marched into his office (without a single word of greeting) told him she meant business.

“My letter of resignation.” She says simply.

“Wait, what?” He looks up at her wide eyed.

“What do you mean your letter of resignation where is this coming from?” He questions.

“I’m a new mom of twins, let’s just say I have my work cut out for me,” she answers.

“Then I can grant you an extended maternity leave, but resignation? Isn’t that a little too extreme?” he fights back.

“No. I don’t think so. I think the twins represent a fresh start in my life. So I’m going all out. I’m thinking about going solo in the field. Maybe start up and independent newspaper.”

“Iris,” Scott breathes out, his voice pleading. Despite all her reasons making sense, the love he has for her won’t allow him to see things rationally, not to accept his motives as anything but excuses for her to get away from him.

“Is this about what happened at your house? Cause if it is…”

“Look Scott,” she cuts him off.

“I’m not one to mix personal feelings with business and for the most part what I’ve just told you is true. I do want to start my own paper and I am taking time off to focus on my family. But truth be told, I can’t work for you anymore. Not after what happened. That little … moment, between us? It nearly cost me my kids. And I know it’s not your fault, they were my thoughtless actions but you severed as a catalyst to my reaction and now you’re a reminder of a me I’m really trying to forget. I’m really sorry, and in case I haven’t made this clear I think you’re a really good guy, I hope you know that. You’re just not the right guy for me.”

Iris looks down at the floor and with a sad smile adds: “After Barry, I don’t think any guy will ever be.” she says.

She takes a deep breath and looks back up at him. He can see the residue of drying tears in her gaze.

“Thanks for everything and I wish you all the best with your future.” She says and with that she walks out without waiting for a response, leaving behind a very dumbfounded Scott.

He simply watches her, helplessly as she walks out the door and out of his life without a single glance back.

She seems like a different woman.

* * *

Month 8

[Barry]

You see the blood stain her blouse. Her eyes, wide with shock, seem to dim like a light a fire slowly dying as the life leaves her body. You can’t run, you’re stuck, your entire body frozen by an unidentifiable sense of dread. She seems to fall in slow motion, her hair creating and abstract painting of black as she falls.

Where are you?

What time is it?

Who did this?

You can’t tell. The world around you doesn’t exist. All there is, is the falling woman in front of you. The woman you love.

Iris.

And you can’t look away. You can’t close your eyes.

All you can do is watch as she slowly falls.

The seconds, ticking-ticking-ticking. The breath leaving her lungs. Her soul departing. Your heart breaking.

Shattering into millions of pieces. You can’t save her. You’ll never save her. You’re not fast enough to save her. You don’t deserve her.

Her body hits the ground with a thud. She rolls onto her back. The blood paints floor. She turns her head, and directs her last living gaze at you. It hurts. It hurts so much.

It hurts because she doesn’t look at you with hatred.

Or regret.

Or betrayal.

She looks at you with love. So much love. She doesn’t blame you for anything and that’s what kills you inside because deep down you know it’s your fault.

Her eyelids flutter, you’re losing her. This is the last you’ll ever see of her. She knows it too. So with the last sparks of energy left in her body, she smiles. That smile that makes your heart flutter. That makes you want to give her the world. That smile you fell in love with years ago.

And so her eyes close

She’s gone.

You feel the tears on your face before you register what’s happening.

Before your blinded by a pain so intense you feel like you’re being ripped apart from the inside out.

Before the pain becomes so maddening that you’re suddenly numb.

That’s when you look at your hands.

Your blood covered hands.

Your heart stops, your ears ring. This can’t be happening. You didn’t do this.

You look up and there she is again, the blood coating her blouse, her hair blowing in the wind as she falls…

Again.

* * *

Month 9

[Iris]

_Deep breaths. In and out. _

_In _

Her skin comes to life with the buzz of the air around her as her mind goes into a deep state of tranquillity. Gradually, the chaos of the outside world dies down. Her heart rate slows down along with everything around her. Just like that…she’s one with the speedforce.

_Out _

She allows herself a moment to get comfortable, just feeling the different strands that make up the energy giant. It feels like being in the middle of a sea at night, surrounded by jellyfish, each one representing a single cell of energy. This form of connection through meditation is a little trick that her brother taught her in one of her moments of extreme anxiety over being away from the twins. Sure she could see them, but she couldn’t be there for them 24/7 and that struck a nerve with Iris. So any time her chest tightened a little too much or her breaths grew too short, she’d find herself a quiet spot and sink her energy with the speed force.

It was interesting to know how connected they all were by this energy. Sometimes, in her moments of turmoil her brother would text her to get in touch and so she would. As soon as she entered that transient place she’d feel and inexplicable calm come over her, like a loving touch over her heart, and she’d instantly know that it was her brother sending her love and letting her know that everything would be ok. In time she learned to identify Wally and the twins immediately but there was one person whose energy she avoided at all costs.

Barry’s.

She could tell from her brother’s manipulation of the speed force that it was potent stuff and if there’s any chance that Barry’s energy can taint her, she’d rather not find out.

As soon as her body and mind acclimate to the environment, she looks allows her heart to lead. It doesn’t take all that long for her to find them, her twins, they’re warm and every growing signature. It’s almost like a speedsters finger print, a strand of energy that’s uniquely there’s in the never ending speedforce. Iris’s worries drift away, as she senses how strong her babies are getting. How well they’re growing. How they’re surviving. There’s no greater joy in her life right now then the knowledge that someday soon she’ll be able to hold them in her arms.

…

“You ready?”

Caitlin asks and Iris can barely contain her nervousness. Too anxious to speak she simply nods and wipes her palms on her jeans as she makes herself comfy in the chair. Caitlin leaves for a brief second and Iris mentally reminds herself to breathe. She wasn’t even this nervous the day she got married. A few seconds (that felt like an eternity) later, Caitlin walks back into the room, Cisco behind her.

Both with her babies in their arms.

Iris can’t help welling up, She’s waited for this moment for so long that now that it’s finally here, she can barely believe it’s real.

“Here,” Caitlin says while gently placing the wrapped bundle in Iris’s arms. “Is your baby girl.”

Iris blinks away the tears but they fill her eyes again as soon as she sees her daughters face. It’s the first time she gets to see her live, without a glass between them. To feel her warmth and smell that sweet baby powder of her skin. The little girl yawns and Iris feels her heart melt her fisted little hands cover her face.

“Better hand this little guy over before he gets the feels.” Cisco jokes, and Iris reluctantly lets go of her daughter to welcome her son. He has his hands covering his face too, almost as if he were mimicking his sister, and Iris tries to use her finger to gently bring his hands away from his angelic face.

Right then, his little fingers wrap around hers and it’s all Iris can do to breathe. She’s never felt so much love. So overwhelming and powerful a love. So surreal and warm a love as this.

“Caitlin could you hand Dawn over to me, please?” she asks and Caitlin smiles, gladly placing the baby girl in her mother’s other arm. Iris lets the full weight of her children strain her muscles and never in her life has she felt so complete, so at home and so utterly and blissfully happy. She lets out a teary laugh as she sees the

“Dawn?” Cisco asks and Iris looks up with her with her teary smile and sniffles with a nod.

“Dawn cause they mark the beginning of a new life for me. And Donovan cause they’re my little black prince and princess.” Iris explains and Cisco gives his nod of approval.

“Dawn and Don, not bad Boss lady.” He says and she chuckles.

“Come on Cisco, let’s give this new mama some time alone with her bundles of joy.” Caitlin says with a hand on Cisco’s shoulder and he nods.

“Congratulations Iris, they’re beautiful.” She says and Cisco nods in agreement, keeping his own tears at bay.

“Thank you,” Iris answers shakily and as sincerely as she possibly can. No normal hospital would have been able to cater for her babies needs so if it weren’t for the team she might have been holding her babies today.

“Thank you so, so much.”

“Thank us by taking good care of those little ones.” Cisco retorts and she laughs looking down at her sleeping children.

“I will. I sure will.” she says less as a response and more as a promise to the twins.

Caitlin and Cisco quietly slip out of the room and Iris barely notices their escape. She’s too immersed in the two tiny lives in her arms. The two halves that make her world.

“Hi babies. Hi Dawn. Hi Donovan.” She whispers looking back and forth between them and failing to contain her emotions.

“I’m your mom.” She says, the word sounding like jingle bells in Christmas morning.

“I’m your mom.” She repeats chocking up on her tears and barely finishing her sentence.

“I’ve waited so long to meet you. To hold you in my arms like this. To tell you just how much I love you.” she confesses.

“I love you both so, so much.” she declares, planting a kiss on each of their foreheads.

“It almost feels like I’ve waited my whole life to meet you. Like my life began right now, for the instant you were both placed in my arms.” Her tears fall steadily and her words are shaky but they’re filled with raw emotion. With all of a mother’s adoration for her children.

“You’re such fighters. Such strong little ones, I’m…so proud, to be your mother. I love you. I love you. I love you so much.”

…

Her father’s house, her childhood nest, has an entirely new glow to it as she opens the door and steps in with her babies in her arms. A new generation of Wests.

“Welcome home honeys.” Iris whispers while walking deeper into the house.

“Welcome home.”

* * *

Month 10

Iris looks at the large brown envelope I her hand. It’s an ordinary envelope, but to her, it carries a life changing weight. Standing in the pipeline, in front of his closed cell, she takes deep breaths to steady her nerves. It’s been five months since she was last here, and she didn’t exactly make fond memories here.

Considering the trauma, you would have expected her to be hyperventilating right now. Holding on to the walls for support as her knees gave in and her heart jumped out of her chest. Yet, she’s surprisingly sober. No head spinning panic or blinding fear, just the normal “I’m about to change my life” jitters.

“Right. You can do this.” She peps herself up and with a reassuring nod to herself she scans her palm and opens the cell. The metallic door rises revealing a Barry who shields his face from the light with his hand. When his hand comes away from his face Iris feels her heart stop. His appearance brings back memories.

That slightly dazed look in his eyes, the length of his hair, his out grown beard. He looks exactly like he did that day. The day they got him out of the speed force. The day her greatest dream turned in to her worst nightmare. It’s almost poetic to be back in this place, with him in that state, taking a step that marks the beginning of yet another era for her. One of freedom.

“Iris.” He says, his voice hope full. His eyes are bloodshot, as if he’s been crying. He looks pale, sick, like he’s hurting. Her heart constricts slightly, but she stands her ground. This isn’t the time to care. Iris swallows down her emotions and focusses on the task at hand. She moves to the side of the cell wall and opens the little drawer. That’s where she places the envelope and where Barry retrieves it from with a questioning look.

He looks at her suspiciously as he opens it, all the while neither of them say a word. Barry reads through the papers and his eyes nearly bulge out of his skull as one word screams out at him from the page:

**DIVORCE**

“What is this?” he asks, his voice low but carrying that dangerous undertone that use to make her tremble in her own skin.

“A new beginning,” she answers with a weak smile on her face and Barry tears his eyes away from the documents in his hand to meet her gaze.

“Iris…these are divorce papers.”

“I know Barry.”

“No, you don’t know. You can’t possibly know. What the hell are you thinking?”

“I’m leaving you Barry. That’s what I’m thinking. This dangerous game of predator and prey between us has gone on for too long don’t you think?”

“Iris, you…you can’t do this,”

“Yes I can Barry. Not only can I but I have every right to.”

He scoffs out in disbelief then his face contorts into that expression of sadness that always breaks her. Iris feels her heart quiver for a second but the feeling soon passes. She has to stay strong. If not for herself then for her children.

“What has gotten into you?” he asks and she takes a minute to breathe before responding.

“I’m tired Barry.” She says, her eyes brimming with tears at weight of her confession. She sniffles and blinks rapidly to dry them before carrying on.

“I’m tired of all the fights, the trips to the hospital, the…the lies to cover up the bruises. I’m tired of losing Barry, losing my family, my friends, myself.”

“But the baby…”

“Babies. They….” She swallows, preparing to cross a line from where there is no return.

“They were twins.”

The papers fall from his hands.

“W…were?”

“I…” she sucks in deep breath, trying to keep the shake from her voice. She hates herself right now. After all he’s done to her, all he’s cost her, it shouldn’t crush her to hurt him.

But it does.

“I lost them.”

“No. You’re lying. You can’t have lost them. Where are they Iris? Where are our babies!” he screams punching the glass cell door with enough force to shatter it (if it weren’t reinforced glass).

“You killed them!!” Iris yells out, finally letting go of her anger with her tears.

“You beat them out of me Barry! I was five months pregnant! Five months! I still had another 4 to grow them. To protect them and make sure that they were both healthy and alive but you stole that away from me. You took my kids away from me!”

“They were our kids!”

“No they were my kids Barry! MY kids! I was the one who carried them. I was the one who had to suffer through their loss. I was the one who had to go through an emergency delivery that nearly cost me my life only to walk out of here empty handed! And I had to do it all alone Barry! Do you have any idea what that felt like?”

He sinks to his knees, his cheeks wet with what seems like regret, but Iris won’t allow herself to be fooled. Not again. Not ever.

“That’s why I can’t do this anymore Barry. I can’t keep losing to you.” She lets out a breath loudly.

“You know what really sucks about this situation? The fact that handing you those papers kills me inside. I was ready to build a future with you Barry. You were my world, my home. You were my best friend!” She takes a minute to cry, her heart shattering with every word.

“And that’s what hurt the most. It wasn’t the kicks of the punches that hurt Barry. It was the fact that they we’re coming from you. The fact that I couldn’t recognise who you were anymore and I used to know you better than I knew myself. You just changed Barry, and I don’t even know why.”

“Because of you.” he said softly, so softly that she could barely make out his words.

“What?”

“I said it was because of you. Because I kept losing you. Over and Over again.”

Iris is too shocked to speak. She simply looks at him. Barry lifts his gaze to meet hers and for a moment Iris thinks she sees genuine sincerity in his eyes.

“While I was trapped in the speed force that was my punishment. Losing you a million times over, in different ways. First it was to someone else. Then you’d just stop loving me. Then finally, and the most vivid one of them all, the one that still haunts my every waking and sleeping moment, is the memory of you dying. It was always the same. The blood on your blouse, the dimming light in your eyes, the smile on your face as you took one last breath. It’s all still so real that …that when I came back I couldn’t shake it off. I couldn’t stop feeling like I was losing you over and over again. Like at any moment I’d wake up and realise that it wasn’t just a nightmare. That you’re actually not by my side anymore. It drove me insane. It crushed me to the point where I started to hate you.”

His confession sends a chill down her spine and Iris finds herself frozen to her spot.

“Who gave you the right to have that much power over me? To hurt me so deeply? I needed reassurance. That you were mine. That you wouldn’t leave me.”

“And the way you found to get that was by hurting me? Did breaking me down really make you feel that secure? Did it really reassure you that I wouldn’t leave?” she asks and he opens his mouth to respond but can’t seem to find the words.

“Did you ever think that you might actually be pushing me away? That your fists and manipulative ways might actually make you lose me?” Barry hangs his head in shame and simply takes the hit.

“Because that’s what happened Barry. You lost me.”

That gets his attention and his head shoots up, his eyes wide.

“Iris please. Please don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry Barry. But I have to. Thank you for being honest with me, but the truth is that didn’t change much of anything. All it did was reassure me that I’m making the right decision. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t believe in us as much as I do. With someone who’s so insecure that they have to bring me down to feel safe. I think I deserve better and the Barry I know, the Barry I fell in love with and planned a future with, he would think so too. You’re just not him.”

“Iris, Iris I’m sorry. I’m begging you please don’t do this.”

“I’ll have my lawyers contact you about the details. And just a heads up, I’m getting a restraining order.”

“Iris! Baby, please.” The nicknames stops her dead in her tracks.

“Please. I’ll change. I promise I will. It will never happen again.”

“I’m the one who’s sorry Barry.” she says without turning around to face him, lest she fall for his lying eyes once again.

“Sorry it took me this long to realise what a lie that is. I can’t forgive you and I don’t think I can ever trust you again. This is goodbye.” She says and with that she walks away, leaving him screaming after her.

“Iris!”

“Iris!”

…

She cradles her baby girl to her breast as her son naps soundly. The moment Dawn’s lips feel the presence of her mom’s nipple she latches on and suckles hungrily. Iris closes her eyes in bliss as tears stream down her face. Two months ago she would have been watching from a far, desperately yearning to blanket her children with her warmth, with her love, to cheer them on so that they lived. She’d said silent prayers that they heard her voice, that they answer her plea and live. That they stay with her.

Now here she is, feeling the milk rush out of her with each greedy tug of the infant’s miniscule mouth. The feeling is indescribable. In this moment she’s more than just Iris, she’s more than everything that has ever come to define her. She’s more than a daughter, a sister, a wife, a reporter, a colleague or a friend. She’s a mother and holds within her the power to strengthen her children. In her breasts lies the key to their life, the key to their survival and for the first time in forever she doesn’t feel dispensable. She doesn’t feel like her life’s purpose lies hidden in Barry’s closed fists. She doesn’t feel like the causal factor of all things wrong and painful in her life.

The guilt is gone.

Instead, as she gazes down at the babe in her arms she feels an overwhelming sense of pride, of purpose. A grandiose feeling of determination. She’s no longer the cause of darkness but the bringer of light. She gave birth and is nurturing two innocent lives that under her guidance have the potential to become heroes. To save the world like their father once did.

To be the best of her and the man she was once in love with…

“Iris we have a problem,” Cisco’s worried whisper pops her victory bubble and she blinks back into the moment before taking in his worried features.

“You need to take the twins and you need to leave! Now!” he says more forcefully.

“Go where? Why?” she asks, trying to keep her voice down so as not to wake Don.

“To the wave rider, Wally’s waiting to take the three of you and the legends have agreed to house you with them till it’s safe for you to come back.” He lays out the plan, already stuffing a few things in a bag for her to take.

“Wait Cisco hold on, what’s going on?” she asks confused.

“It’s Barry, he’s escaped. He’s coming after you Iris.”

Her heart stops and her brain seems to shut down for a second. When she reboots, just before she’s thrown into a fit of panic, she realises that everything around her has slowed down. The feeling of being trapped in a slow motion picture is overwhelmingly familiar and her body tingles as she realises she’s moving in flashtime. Her heart rate picks up as she fears the worst but then she remembers that he’d have to be holding her and Barry is nowhere in sight. Confusion creases her brow and a hard tug at her bosom brings her attention down to Dawn who is still in her arms, still moving at a regular pace. Realisation begins to bloom like a flower in the back of her mind. It makes no sense, how she could have known that her mother needed a moment to compose herself and think. That their lives might be in danger, but then again there are many mysteries in this world that have yet to be solved. Like how a loving, kind hearted man, could become a sadistic and merciless monster. How love can be strong enough to withstand numerous scars and bruises.

The connection between a mother and her child.

With her eyes fixed on her tiny treasure Iris realises what she has to do. The notion starts of as a pin prick in the blackness of her subconscious, gaining shape and tearing her heart to shred’s bit by bit. Dawn lets go of her breast and moves in her mother’s arms, her tiny hand landing over Iris’s broken heart and the ache seems to lessen. Tears wet her cheeks as Iris adjusts her blouse and stands to make her way towards the crib. Once there she makes an effort and picks Don up, cradling him against her and letting the warmth of having both her children in her arms fill her with the courage to do what needs to be done.

“I love you both so much,” she sobs, ducking her head towards them to inhale their scent. They smell like purity, like goodness, like the feathery touch of the one you love or a cooling wind on a scalding day. They smell like hope, like all she’s been waiting for her entire life.

“I wish…” she sniffles.

“I wish that I could stay with you like this. Just hold you in this bubble forever till my arms gave in and my heart stopped beating from all the love I have for you.” Her vision grew blurry, and though the lack of sight should make her task easier it only succeeds in making her hurt more.

“But that wouldn’t be unfair to you both. You both need to live, you need to grow up and be happy. To fall in love, have your hearts broken, heal, break curfew. To laugh like your life depends on it and find the beauty behind each tear you shed. I’ve already asked you to selfishly live for me, and I can’t tell you how proud I am of you both. Of the strength you both gained to be able to keep breathing, keep living, for me. Thank you.” She lets out a ragged breath and tries to blink the tears out of her eyes so that she can see again.

“You don’t know this but you saved me. You reminded me what it means to live, what it means to love and now it’s my turn to return the favour. It’s my turn to save you. I need you both to always have each other’s backs. To be happy and adventurous and always do your best in everything you do.” she sniffles.

“And… and if you don’t remember anything of me after tonight, if you can’t remember my face nor the sound of my voice the one thing I want you both to know is that I love you. I love you so much and that I’m only-”Iris chokes on her own words.

“I’m only doing this so that you can have a life, a better life. The life that you deserve.” She bends down and kisses them each on the forehead. Long, lingering kisses like she wants her heart to be left behind from her touch. To leave an imprint of her infinite love for her children.

“This isn’t goodbye. I could never say goodbye to you two, I’ll always be with you. Always. In your hearts, your smiles, your laughter. My love will be with you forever. I promise.” She says and slowly her surroundings begin to gain speed.

“I love you. I always will,” she whispers finally as everything goes back to its chaotic normalcy.

“How did you? Never mind, come on let’s go,” Cisco says, dismissing his confusion and prioritising their safety.

“Cisco wait,” she says and he stops in his tracks. With one last look at her children she hands them over to him, a murderous cold consuming her as they leave her embrace.

“Iris what are-”

“Take them to Wally, get them as far away from here as possible and don’t come back until you know it’s safe.” she orders

“What about you Iris?” he asks, holding the infants tightly to him.

“Barry is my problem, I have to take care of this,” then in a voice barely above a whisper she adds.

“For them.”

“Iris…”

“Go Cisco, go and don’t look back, please.” She begs. The tone of finality in her voice scares him and he wants to probe on, to convince her to come with him but he flame of determination blazing in her eyes will take time to put out and time is unfortunately not on their side.

“Be careful alright?” he says and she nods with a sad smile.

“Thank you Cisco,” she sighs out tremulously.

“You can thank me when you and your husband come and get your kids back.” he says and she smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes. She looks at her babies one last time as Cisco steps backwards into a breach and their silhouettes blur out of focus and fade away. With no time to wallow in her heartbreak Iris steps out of her bedroom and makes her way downstairs as she dials Caitlin’s number.

“Iris! What are you still doing here you need to-”

“Cisco has the twins. I’m on my way out of the apartment now but I need to know something first. Is there a possibility that the speed force is still inside me?” she asks.

“Well, yes but without the twins your powers are fading and fast. If you do have any left it’s probably because you haven’t used them since you’ve given birth and it’s seeping out of you slowly. But why the strange question and what do you mean your stepping out of the apartment?” she asks, her concern clear in her tone. Completely ignoring her questions and scanning her palm print to unlock the door Iris asks:

“Would it be enough for me to run into the speed force?”

“Run into the speed force?! Iris!”

“Just answer the question Cait, please.” Iris pleads.

“Well yeah it would but that would probably be all the speed you have left, you might disintegrate completely in there without any powers!” Caitlin warns.

“It’s a risk I have to take. Thanks Caitlin. Goodbye.” She says and hangs up before the good doctor can protest any further. The soft hiss of the mechanic door opening up, blends in with her taking a courageous breath before stepping outside. The hall way is dark and though at first she thought she might have to go looking for Barry she’s suddenly filled with the sensation that she won’t have to look far. Low and behold, at the very end of the hallway, in the depths of the darkness, a shadowy figure emerges.

She’d know that silhouette anywhere.

“Iris,” his voice brushes over her like a cruel whisper and she trembles, shrugging off her coat and getting ready to run.

“I’m not coming back to you Barry, and you’ll never lay your hands on my kids,” she affirms, revealing her own lie. For the first time ever she faces her husband down without an ounce of fear. All she feels is a bone deep determination to keep her babies safe, they will live a life without the pain she’s known, so help her God.

“The kids so they, their alive? You – You lied to me?” he asks and she nods.

“I did, and I would do it again a thousand times over if it meant keeping them safe from you.”

Streaks of red lightning sparkle in the darkness as his anger builds up and she smiles. That’s exactly what she wants. She wants the monster in him to come out to play. To destroy the very evil that broke her time and time again.

“You lied to me!” he yells and she sees him propel himself forward, shifting at the last second so that his fist hits the wall behind her.

“Where are they? What did you do to them?” he asks, his fist still jammed into the dented wall.

“I’d rather die than tell you how to find our kids,” she whispers into his ears before calling upon her own speed and running out of the building. His enraged holler melts into the sound of the wind in her ears as she makes her way towards the lab, Barry hot on her heels. She can feel the speed force draining out of her slowly and so she picks up her pace, closing her eyes and willing her mind to give in, to let the speed force consume, to become one with its power.

Iris feels the energy drain out of her body and slowly begins to slow down. Around her she hears a silence unlike any other she’s heard before and when she opens her eyes, she’s blinded by the sight of billions and billions of lightning bolts, intricately dancing around her. From sight she gains hearing and her ears ring with the sound of sparks. Like an orchestra playing a ballad that sounds like the buzzing of electricity, a symphony of colliding volts. She falls to the non-existent ground, weak beyond description and her eyes close as her body begins to shut down.

“Iris!” Barry screams and she feels the warmth of his embrace. A warmth she once craved despite the harm it did her.

“Iris, what have you done?” he asks and she musters up enough courage to smile and whisper:

“I’ve saved us.” Her eyes close and Barry feels her go limp in his arms. His eyes widen and his heart stops.

She’s gone.

“Iris? Iris no. Iris!” he screams as the realisation hits him full force. He’s lost her, for good, the one thing he dreaded the most happened.

His worst nightmare came true.

Suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes her, filing her with its light. Another soon follows, then another, and another, and another till she glows so much he can barely look at her.

“No, don’t take her away from me! Not again! No! Iris!”

Barry closes his eyes and holds her to him, tighter than he ever has before as bolt after bolt strike her body. He can see the brightness growing in magnitude behind his closed eyelids and just as he thinks he can’t take it anymore he’s overcome by an overwhelming heat. It spreads through him, like the speed force, coursing through his veins and filling him with something he can’t quiet explain. It moves through his limbs, revives his muscles, envelops his heart like a hug and washes over his brain. It activates a part of him he thought was lost forever, a human part. The part of him that had been buried under the traumatic fear of losing her. The part of him that made him, _him. _The sensation grows increasingly familiar and just before his world turns dark his soul recognises it:

_Iris. _

**Author's Note:**

> All comments and creative critisim are very much welcome. I don't have much more of the story developed so like I said this is just a taste to see what you all think. I'll work on it(or not) depending on what you all say 💜
> 
> Hope you liked it.  
[P. S. I'll be updating Au tomorrow cause I'm still working on the Wattpad chapter and I like to post simultaneously 🙏🏾😊💜]
> 
> XOXO  
A. J.  
💜


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